Unfiltered Story #313344

Not long ago when I was visiting my parents for the holidays I was playing with my two nephews when I heard one of them refer to something as being ‘gay’. This is the first I heard either of them use the term in that way and I didn’t approve. I tried to tell them that, but I admit I was caught so off guard I did a bad job of explaining why they shouldn’t do it that day.

Feeling bad for doing such a poor job explaining things I took some time to work out how to better explain myself next time it happened. It took a few more visits before I caught them using the phrase. At this time it was just me and my two nephews playing in my parent’s basement.

Me: “You shouldn’t say something is gay when you think it’s bad.”
Nephew: “why not, other’s do.”
Me: “because if someone was actually gay they wouldn’t like hearing you use the word like it was a bad thing, it’s telling them you think their bad.”
Nephews: “that’s not what it means.”
Me: “That may not be what you mean when you use the word, but there are plenty of gay people out there who may hear it that way. Why keep using a word that may make people feel bad when there are lots of better ways of saying you don’t like something?”
Nephew: “But there’s no one here who would hear it.”
Me: “yes, but if you keep using it when you’re alone you’ll get in a habit and probably accidentally say something is gay when you are around gay people later. Besides you never know who might be gay.”
Nephew: “no one here is.”
Me: “How do you know that?”
Nephew: “it’s just us three.”
Me: “Well [younger nephew] is 8 and usually people don’t realize their gay until their 10 to 12, so he wouldn’t know if he is gay or not yet. There’s a 5 to 10 percent chance he will end up gay when he grows up and if he does he might not feel comfortable telling you because you say mean things about gay people.
Younger nephew: “I’m not gay”
me: “oh, are there any girls your attracted to or want to date?”

Here my younger nephew face squishes up in a clear “ewww their gross’ sort of look that I honestly had to stop myself from laughing at.

Younger nephew: “no!”
Me: “then it’s probably too early to know for sure who you will end up liking, though you probably will be straight if you were gay there’s nothing wrong with that and your family would still love you just as much.”
Nephew: “but he said he wasn’t going to be gay.”
Me: “You don’t get to decide if you are gay or not, it’s just something that happens.”
Younger nephew: “I don’t think I’m gay.”
Me: “Okay fine even if [younger nephew] ends up being straight, and odds are he will, what about me, what if I was gay.”
Nephew: “you’re not gay.”
Me: “Oh, are you sure about that? How many women have you seen me date?”
Nephew: “I don’t remember.”
Younger nephew: “you’re gay?”
Me: “It doesn’t really matter if I am or am not. My point is you don’t know if I am, just like you can’t tell if anyone else is gay just by looking at them. That means you won’t know if anyone around you is gay and may be hurt by you using the word like it was a bad thing. That’s why it’s best to never say it so you don’t risk hurting someone.”
Nephew: (to his brother) “he’s not gay.”
Me: “what if I told you I wasn’t straight and hearing you using the word gay like it was a bad thing made me feel bad, would you stop then?”
Nephew: “but you aren’t!”
Me: “Okay fine, I swear to god I am queer, so will you stop now?”
Nephew: “Does mom know you’re gay?”
Me: “You’re mom started asking if I was gay back when I started high school kid. But you didn’t answer my question, will you stop saying being gay is bad now?”
Nephew: “That’s not what I meant!”
Me: “It doesn’t matter what you meant, that’s how others will hear it and it’s hurtful to some of them.”
Younger nephew: “I’m going to tell pop (my father) [my name] is gay.

My younger nephew starts to climb the steps to tell my family. The rest of my family is conservative and my father is the worst of the lot when it comes to being understanding of others. I wouldn’t say their explicitly homophobic, but I’d still rather avoid having a conversation about my sexuality with them, so I speak up quickly to head him off.

Me: “wait [younger nephew] come back here. There is no reason to tell them that, I’m not actually gay.”
Nephew: “you said you were!”
Me: ‘No I didn’t, I said I’m queer. Queer can mean lots of things other then just gay. See how hard it is to figure out if someone’s actually gay?”
Nephew: “But you said you weren’t straight.”
Me: “Technically that was a hypothetical. but let’s just say I’ve dated just as many men as women. And i have lots of gay friends and both I and they would hate to hear you saying it’s bad to be gay.”
Nephew: “So you’re bi?”
Me: “you know keep asking me questions even though you still haven’t answered my question. Will you please stop saying there is something wrong with being gay?’

I could see my nephew wasn’t at all happy about being put on the spot. He squirmed a little as he responded.

Nephew: “I guess.”
Me: “thank you, I’m very happy to hear that! Now to answer your question no I’m not bi.
Nephew: “You’re trans?”
Me: “no not that either, though I have some friends who are. I’m aromantic. That means I don’t want to date anyone. Zero dates with men and Zero dates with women still mean I’ve dated the same number of both.

We had a bit more of a discussion about what aromantic meant and the various other facets of ‘queer’ that I won’t bore you with before getting called up for lunch. I haven’t heard him say anything was gay since our talk, though I’ve only had a few visits since this discussion so I can’t say for sure if he is actually keeping to his promise or not. I hope he will though.