Unfiltered Story #312426
A few contracts ago I had a coworker who considered himself a ‘men’s right’s activist’. While he wasn’t as overtly misogynistic as men’s right’s activists are often portrayed, but there was a subtler misogynistic undertone to many of his statements that I very much didn’t agree with.
Now I try not to be overly confrontational at work, since it’s unlikely I’ll change a bigot’s mind and is likely to just lead to a less comfortable work environment for everyone involved. Plus I’ve found i’m more effective at getting people to listen and potentially changing their mind if I don’t come flat out and say their wrong and put them in the spotlight which leads to them getting defensive. So originally I settled with more subtle comments trying to show him why his attitude was flawed, with little success.
Eventually he asked me if I was dating any women and I told him I was not because I was aromantic. This became a problem because he decided my being aromantic meant I ‘understood’ how terrible women were and had ‘wisely’ decided to avoid them. Now he seemed to believe I was on his side and that’s something I don’t want to support at all. It was bad enough hearing his statements on occasion, but having him think I actually supported his stupidity was too much so I figured it was time to speak up more actively.
Coworker: “you have the right idea. You’re have allot more money if you don’t have to waste it on dates and gifts for women.”
Me: “Yeah, except I donate all my excess money to charity anyways so if anything some random kids in Africa will have more immunizations because I don’t date.”
Coworker: “but you still don’t have to deal with them. Some of my exes have treated me terrible. You’re better off without them.”
Me: “I’m sure there are women who treat men poorly, but I’ve known plenty of women who had male ex’s that were terrible too. I think it’s human nature to be tempted to be terrible to an ex regardless of genitalia or gender.
Coworker: “sure some men may be bad, but it’s not the same. Their not expecting you to pay for everything then telling everyone you’re terrible if you don’t.”
Me: “You know Just a month or two ago I was speaking to a women who had just started dating a very old fashioned guy she thought was really sweet. The man insisted on paying for everything and she was telling me she hated it and it was causing her to be hesitant to go on dates with him because she hated to not pull her weight on them. I told her she can demand he let her pay her fair share so she would feel comfortable going on dates, and if the man is unwilling to respect her desire to contribute to a relationship well then that’s a sign he isn’t going to listen to her in more important ways and maybe she shouldn’t keep dating him. Luckily he agreed and their starting to more seriously date now, but the point is she hardly expected the man to pay for everything.
Coworker: “Well she’s a rare women, trust me I’ve dated plenty that aren’t like that. Most of them just want to use you for your money.”
Me: “You’ve met me, I’m as cheap as they come and aromantic to boot and yet I’ve had to turn down multiple women even after telling them I was aromantic. They all knew me well enough to know how cheap I am, they couldn’t possible think I was going to buy them expensive gifts when they came on to me. Plenty of women would rather try to date someone who is nice to them and respects them as a person then someone who wastes allot of money on them. Yes some women could use a man for money, as could some men do the same. My point is that we’re all human, regardless of our gender. There may be a very small number of things, like amount of upper body strength, which tend to differ between sexes but the vast majority of stuff is still the same. There will be good women and bad women, just like there are good and bad men, good and bad lawyers, or good and bad republics or democrats. Human nature doesn’t change, you get the whole moral gambit in any sample pool you choose to select.
Coworker: “But you stopped dating women, you must have realized how much trouble they were.”
Me: “I didn’t ‘stop’ dating women, I never dated them, that’s what aromantic means! I’ve never wanted to dating any women, or men or other folks for that matter, and never will because that’s how I was born. I didn’t choose it, any more then you choose to be straight or others might choose to be gay. It’s just who I am. That doesn’t change the fact that I think men and women are both still human first and foremost and should be judged on their own individual character, not by rather they have an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’ between their legs or even what gender they identify as.
coworker: “that’s not what I meant, you just don’t get it.”
Me: “I’d be tempted to say the same of you. Just be careful who you say all this stuff to before you get reported to HR for making people uncomfortable.”
Of course I failed to change his mind, not surprising, but at least he stopped trying to treat me as a comrade in arms in his misogyny. He moved to another area not too long after that, and rumor has it HR did finally talk to him about his comments.
