Unfiltered Story #280248

Before my husband retired from the Air Force he had a really goofy male troop who loved the ladies but often found himself in awkward situations due to his attempted romantic conquests. The troop is literally a Philipino version of Fez, the sex crazed foreign exchange student on That 70’s Show. My husband had this troop when we were stationed in the United States and was later assigned him as an augmentee (temporary troop) while we were stationed in South Korea. My husband is like a younger version of Red Forman from That 70’s Show and tends to be very blunt. This story has two related parts that occurred at both duty stations.

First part of the story.

This occurs at an Air Force base on the east coast of the United States.

Troop (to my husband): Sergeant (husband), I got beat up last night but it’s okay because I stopped the fight.

Husband: Airman (troop) what the hell did you do?

Troop: I went to see my girlfriend at her parent’s house.

Husband: And what was wrong with that?

Troop: Well, her dad told me that I wasn’t allowed at their house anymore but I snuck into the house through her bedroom window anyway. He heard us having sex in her room and I tried to hide in her closet but he found me and he beat me up. I tried to stop the fight though.

Husband: Aren’t you in a single occupancy dorm room? You could have done the deed there. All you had to do was sign her into the base!

Troop: Yeah but I didn’t want to bother the other guys in that section of the building.

Husband: What about a motel? There are literally at least 10 motels in this town where you could have rented a room for the night.

Troop: I didn’t think of that.

Husband: Quit being a dumbass and think before you decide to have sex!

The second part of the story occurs two years later when this troop is assigned to my husband while we are stationed in South Korea. The section that my husband runs is small and we have a weekend routine of going to an all you can eat buffet that also serves all you can drink beer and wine. The restaurant attracts a large expat crowd from English speaking countries. The troop has gotten a little drunk and my husband and I both notice that he is really annoying a group of female English teachers from Canada. I am the unofficial squadron mom so I decide to intervene before my husband rips the troop a new one in front of the entire restaurant.

Me: (To troop) Go back to the table and stop drinking! You are acting like a real jerk! Quit bothering the women here!

Me: (To the English teachers) Ladies, I am really sorry about (troop). My husband is his supervisor and this will never happen again. He is kind of our village idiot and he does really dumb things all the time: both when he has been drinking AND when he is sober. He’s harmless but he’s just an idiot.

English Teacher: Thank you! We didn’t feel threatened by him but he was getting on our nerves. He acts like Fez from That 70’s Show!

I then tell them the story about the troop getting beat up by his girlfriend’s father. They have a good laugh about it and we start talking.

Me: You said that he acts like Fez: I must be Kitty Forman because I am literally the mom of all these troops. My husband must be Red because he is probably calling (troop) a dumbass right now.

My husband did indeed call the troop a dumbass and he lectured him on the fact that it makes the military look really bad when servicemembers aggressively pursue women in a host nation.