Unfiltered Story #245917

(Suggested title: “I’m Fired (Or As Good As)!”)

I’m the (albeit innocent) idiot in this story. People in my office are always bringing in treats from home to share – stuff they’ve baked, stuff they’ve grown in their gardens… One day, my fellow assistant brought in peppers from his mother’s garden. I’d planned to leave them alone since I don’t like spicy stuff, but he assured me only the seeds are spicy… SEVERELY spicy, but if you don’t eat the seeds, they taste sweet. I know he knows a lot about cooking, so I trusted his judgment. I took a chance, cut one open, removed all the seeds, and found I liked it – not spicy at all. I liked them so much that when the first batch ran out, I asked if he could bring in more. He did, and I had some on at least two days with no problems, always being careful, just like before, to remove every seed.

On this particular day, I take two peppers from the second batch while my fellow assistant is out getting lunch. I eat the first with no problem, but while chewing on a piece from the second… BAM! My lips, tongue, roof of my mouth, and throat all feel like they’re on fire! I was sure I’d removed all the seeds, but, obviously, I hadn’t. I have a full water bottle, but I’ve read enough about peppers to know water does nothing for that feeling.

It’s not just spicy, it hurts. Horribly! It’s too painful to concentrate. I frantically try to think of what I can do to stop it. I’m sure my fellow assistant would know, but he won’t be back for a while. Is it even capsaicin, like in hot chili peppers? Assuming it is, what neutralizes capsaicin…? Alcohol! Well, we don’t keep booze at the office, so cross that out. Milk!

I run to the break room, and thank God, there’s a half-full half-gallon of milk in the fridge! I grab a disposable cup and pour out a few mouthfuls, holding each one in my mouth for a while, but it does nothing! I don’t have time to wonder why – if it’s not working, what will…?

Then I remember. I always keep a supply of peppermints in my purse, and I learned long ago that if I try to take a drink of anything while one of these mints is in my mouth or just after eating one, my mouth and throat get painfully cold. Well, cold is what I want now, so I go back to my desk, pop two of my mints in my mouth for good measure, and start drinking my water.

I sit back down at my desk, sucking my mints and sipping water for a few minutes, and to my immense relief, it’s working! I’m just starting to relax as the pain fades… when I notice my Cupid’s bow and the bridge of my nose are burning! What? How did THAT happen?! This hurts even worse than the feeling in my mouth did. It’s so painful and I’m so desperate, I actually get the milk back out, soak a tissue in some, and press that against my upper lip. I hold it there for a while, but, once again, nothing happens.

Seemingly out of options, I sit back down at my desk, seriously wondering if I’ll have to ask my supervisor if I can go home. Fortunately, I’m paying attention this time when I rub my left eye… which also starts burning! It hadn’t occurred to me that I was spreading capsaicin via my hands because A) I handle the seeds from those peppers all the time with my bare hands with no ill effects, and B) my hands aren’t burning. At all.

But regardless, it’s happening. I head to the bathroom to scrub my hands and face (I have no idea if soap has any effect on capsaicin, but what else can I do?). I guess it works because I no longer burn any part of my body I touch, but the burning pain on my face that was already there is unchanged.

I’m rinsing my face when one of the attorneys I work for happens to come in. Since we get along well and I know I must look very weird and/or very distressed to her, I explain what happened, trying to laugh about it.

She immediately gasps, “Oh, you poor thing! You need an antihistamine!” An antihistamine! I’d never heard of that remedy before. She explains the burning sensation caused by capsaicin is actually an allergic reaction. I know the rash almost everyone gets from poison ivy/oak/etc. is also an allergic reaction, so this makes sense to me, but there’s one problem: my bottle of antihistamines is back in my bedroom.

No problem! Another attorney always has antihistamines on hand, she says, and she’d be willing to share them with anyone. Knowing that attorney is also a sweet lady, I’m sure she’s right, so I thank her and dash to the other attorney’s office.

I enter calmly and tell her the bare facts of the story. The second attorney also gasps “You poor thing!” and immediately pulls out her bottle of antihistamines (a non-drowsy variety, but I wouldn’t have cared if they knocked me out). Thanking her over and over, I take them back to my desk and swallow them.

After about fifteen minutes, I start to feel better. After thirty minutes (by which time my fellow assistant has returned to confirm, yes, antihistamines are an antidote for this, and to commiserate with his story of burning his hands the first time he cut chili peppers), I feel 90% better. It’s gone! The nightmare is over!

I immediately go back to the second attorney’s office and thank her for saving my life, truthfully telling her she’s my hero. I then get back to work, resolving never to touch another one of those peppers again – those seeds are too powerful to risk another one of them sneaking up on you. Lucky for me my office is full of compassionate people who look out for each other!