22 Ways To Die On Jump Street

(It’s a Saturday night, and it’s been slow; my manager has been forced to send people home early, and he moves me, temporarily, from selling tickets to tearing them at the podium, so our customers get to their movies. I have just arrived when an older woman approaches me.)

Customer: “This movie is terrible!”

(She neither mentions the name of the movie or what she might like me to do about it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie are you seeing?”

Customer: “A Million Ways to Die in the West. My husband wanted to watch it, and won’t leave with me.”

(Note that this movie is rated R for “strong, crude sexual content, language throughout, some violence, and drug material.” This isn’t unusual for an R-Rated comedy. She still hasn’t asked for a refund, or even mentioned the idea, however.)

Me: “All right, how can I help you? Is there another movie you might like to see?”

Customer: “Well, since he wants to finish that crude movie, I thought, if possible, I could see a different movie. Is there one that might end around the same time?”

Me: “Well, let’s see… your husband’s movie is going to end around [time], and it seems we have How to Train Your Dragon 2, The Fault in our Stars, and 22 Jump Street ending around the same time. Would you like to go to any of those?”

Customer: “Oh! 22 Jump Street was one I wanted to see!”

(Also an R-Rated comedy, it has similar warnings; language throughout, sexual content, drug material, brief nudity, and some violence.)

Me: “Well, it will end around the same time, but ma’am, I must warn you, it’s also rated R, and has similar warnings.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure it can’t be as raunchy as the other one! You did say it will end around the same time, right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It’ll end just a few minutes later.”

Customer: “Have you heard good things about it?”

Me: “I’ve heard good things, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of language.”

Customer: “Well, what are those others about?”

Me: “This one is a sequel to a very popular kid’s movie, and the other is a tear-jerker; we’ve heard excellent things about both, and I’ve seen the former, and loved it!”

Customer: “…Well, I think I’ll just try 22 Jump Street. I wanted to see it, anyway.”

(I tried one last time to persuade her, gently, to see another film, but she was quite insistent, and I sent her on to the theater showing her movie of choice. As far as I know, she didn’t come back out with another complaint, but I can’t imagine she was very satisfied, by the reviews from my friends!)