20 Of The Worst Tech Support Calls Ever!

| | Right | June 13, 2016
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Ah… technical support. No two words placed next to each other evokes such vivid imagery of personal computers on fire, late-night call center staff having to explain over and over that the monitor is not actually the computer, and infinite amounts of pure PEBCAKkery.

#20: Customers Should Watch Their Language (4,312 votes)

(I work in tech support for a major US cable company, and sometimes we have to deal with people who just don’t want to talk to you because you’re foreign.)

Customer: “You know what? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. You have an accent. Can I be transferred to someone who speaks English?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m speaking English right now, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I can’t understand you because of your accent.”

Me: “So, basically you’re saying you want me to transfer you to someone else.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Because I have an accent.”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “And you can’t understand what I’m saying.”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “So how come you were able to understand what I just said?”

*a few seconds of silence*

Customer: “Don’t be an a**-hole and just transfer me!”

Angry, furious businesswoman throws a punch into computer, screaming. Negative human emotions, facial expressions, feelings, aggression, anger management issues

 

#19: Emulation Alienation (4,341 votes)

(Note: It takes me ten minutes to determine the caller is actually on a Mac running a Windows emulation program.)

Me: “Does your mouse have one big button?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you are on a Mac? This game is not supported on a Mac. I can’t help you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t. I am running Windows 98.”

Me: “Look at the side of the computer. Is there a big apple logo on it?”

Customer: “Of course there is. It’s an Apple computer.”

Me: “Which means it’s MacOS. This game does not run on that OS.”

Customer: “But I am in Windows mode.”

Me: “Are you using SoftWindows to emulate a Windows 98 OS?”

Customer: “Yes?”

Me: “We don’t support our titles on that.”

Customer: “What if I tried changing the drivers?”

Me: “No, that wouldn’t work sir.”

Customer: “What if I tried changing other settings?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. Sir, if you want me to help get it working the system it was designed for I would be happy to do that but I can’t help with emulated Window OS’s on a Mac.”

Customer: “What if I tried it on my games console?”

Me: “The Windows version of this game won’t work on a…hang on. Take the disk out of the drive and tell me what color the bottom of it is.”

Customer: “Black.”

Me: “This is the console version of the game. Did you try it on your console?”

Customer: “Yes. I worked fine there.”

Me: “So, why are you trying to run a console game on a Macintosh with an emulated version of Windows on it?”

Customer: “I thought it would run faster?”

 

#18: When Grave Concerns Are Warranted (4,440 votes)

(After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

Me: “So are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

Customer: *laughs*

 

#17: Don’t Get Short With This Customer (4,482 votes)

(I am a cashier at a small phone shop in a large mall. At one point, a very tall, very very large man with a scowl on his face steps into line. I can tell that the longer he waits, the shorter his temper gets, so by the time he gets up to the counter about ten minutes later, he’s practically livid.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Y’all sold me a broken device. How could you sell me broken s***?! Don’t you have any kind of quality control?”

Me: “Um, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It don’t work! The f*** you think is the problem?!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but—”

Customer: “I’ve already been waiting here for thirty minutes! Fix it already!”

(Upon cursory examination of his device, it becomes apparent to me that it has suffered extensive water damage.)

Me: “Has this device been in contact with water recently?”

Customer: “No, of course not. I’m not stupid.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m afraid that given the nature of the damage to this device, we cannot repair it and it is no longer under warranty.”

Customer: “Now hold up just a minute, you little b****. I will not have you blaming me for your problems. How dare you?!”

(Suddenly, he SLAPS me across the face. Caught completely off guard, I take a step back and shut my eyes. But when I look back up, the man is nowhere to be seen. I notice that everyone is looking down at the floor, so I peer over the counter to see him attempting to crawl away, unable to stand up, and clutching a bleeding ear. The next customer in line is an unassuming, bespectacled man that stands no taller than 5’5″.)

Next Customer: “Hey, are you okay?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, I’m fine… what just happened?”

Next Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t just gonna let him do that to you, so I slapped him back.” *his face breaks into a grin*

Me: “Wait, you… what did you do?”

(As it turned out, the guy with glasses was trained extensively in multiple forms or martial arts, and had leapt up and performed a cup-handed ear slap on the customer that had assaulted me. My manager has seen what has just happened and walks over.)

Manager: *to the next customer* “Wow. That was the coolest thing I have ever seen. Thanks for that. You’re welcome to shop here anytime.”

(Incidentally, I have been dating this short bada** for almost a year now!)

 

#16: You’d Bella Believe It (5,038 votes)

Me: “Thank you for calling. May I have your first and last name please?”

Caller: “Yes this is [name] from [wireless store] and I need help with switching a customer’s phone.”

Me: “I can certainly assist you with changing the phone. May I have the serial number for the new phone?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s A as in Alpha, E as in Edward, and C…as in Cullen.” *awkward pause*“Don’t judge me!”

 

#15: So Slow It Hertz (5,083 votes)

Caller: “Hi, I think there’s a bug on your website. I can’t log into my account.”

Me: “Okay, that may be a bug. Let me get some basic information from you. What internet browser are you using?”

Caller: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “That’s what you use to surf the Internet. Popular browsers are Internet Explorer and Firefox.”

Caller: “Oh. I think I’m using Yahoo.”

Me: “That’s a search engine.

Caller: “Ask.com?”

Me: “That’s another search engine. I need to know what browser you use to get to that website.”

Caller: “Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’m using Hotmail.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes. Eventually, we locate the bug. While I’m writing up the report, I’m making small-talk with the customer.)

Me: “You said you’re in college? What do you study?”

Caller: “Computer science. I’m really good at it!”

Insurance

 

#14: Scareware Makes Us Aware (5,172 votes)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

Me: “Uh.”

Patient: “Stop judging me!”

 

#13: He Who Giveth (5,252 votes)

(I work as a security manager and share an office with the tech support teams in a hospital. One day, the client walks into the office.)

Client: “My windows login says it’s disabled.”

IT Support member: “Yes, I disabled it because when I came to service your printer last night, I noticed your password was written down next to your keyboard.”

Client: “I write it down because I always forget it.”

IT Support member: “I disabled it because you are not supposed to do that.”

Client: “Well, can I have a new password and my account enabled?”

Me: “I hope you are not going to write it down again. It’s a serious offence, especially given you have access to patient details.”

Client: *angrily* “Well, I’m writing it down anyway. What are you going to do about it?!”

Me: “We can disable your account permanently and recommend disciplinary action against you.”

Client: “Ha! Well, go ahead. I don’t care. You can’t do anything to me. I’ve been here for years and I retire in two years anyway, so there!”

(The next day, the same client comes back to my office.)

Client: “My computer is not in my office.”

Me: “That’s correct, it’s currently being rebuilt.”

Client: “When can I get it back?”

Me: “I’ve spoken to your manager. He said you can do your job without a computer for the next two years.”

 

#12: History Is Never Old News (5,484 votes)

(I am working in the print department of an office-supply store. An older customer comes in with a folder of very old newspaper articles.)

Customer: “Hello, young lady. I was just wondering if you could make some copies of these articles for me. They are getting old and I would like to preserve them.”

Me: “Of course!”

Customer: “Thank you very much. If you don’t mind, I’m going to go look around while you do this.”

(I agree, and he hands me the articles. I can see that it is an article about a man who was killed during World War Two. In one of the articles, it shows a picture of the deceased man holding a baby. As the customer has requested, I make copies of the articles that are beginning to fray, rip, and yellow. After making the copies, I quickly laminate them in order to keep them really preserved. The customer comes back.)

Me: “So you know, sir, I noticed that the articles you had were starting to rip, and I assumed that was why you were making the copies. When I finished the copies, I laminated them for you.”

Customer: “I appreciate that young lady, but I can’t afford the lamination.”

Me: “I like history, and I think historical documents are very important to keep. The lamination is free of charge!”

(The customer begins to cry.)

Me: “Sir, are you alright?”

Customer: “Yes, yes. Do you see this baby in this picture? This was me when I was just a few days old. This was the only time my father ever held me before he died. This is all I have to remember him by, and you just helped me to keep them preserved so I can keep his memory alive. Miss, please… can I give you a hug?”

Me: “Of course!”

(He gives me the warmest hug I have ever experienced.)

Customer: “Thank you, miss. You have no idea how happy you just made an old man.”

(I am also crying, due to the joy I gave this customer by taking two seconds to laminate his articles. After pulling away from him, I notice that my manager is also beginning to cry.)

Manager: “Sir, these copies are on the store. Have a nice day, and come see us if you ever need anything else.”

(The customer leaves with a huge smile on his face, and my manager and I are both cheery for the rest of the day. When I arrive at work the next day, I find a small bouquet of flowers sitting on my desk with a note from the customer.)

Note From The Customer: “I picked these flowers for you from my garden. They aren’t much, but I was hoping I could brighten your day as much as you brightened mine.”

(I still have that note, along with one of the flowers that I kept and pressed in a scrap book. I will never forget that man, and the father he never knew.)

 

#11: When The Only Typing Available Is Stereotyping (5,344 votes)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a cable.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll take you to our cables, what kind of cable do you need?”

Customer: “Uhm…. a cable. USB? I need to hook up a computer.”

Me: “Here are our USB cables, but could you be a little more specific?”

Customer: *getting angry* “These are not what I need at all! I need a cable! Are you deaf? I need a  C-A-B-L-E. I need one for my computer.”

Me: “Sir, there are a lot of cables, if you could tell me what kind of thing you were trying to hook up?”

Customer: “Is there anyone else on the floor that can help me!? Maybe one of the computer guys? You’re obviously too stupid to understand.”

Me: “Sir, I am the only one on the floor at the moment and I am trying my best to help you find your cable.”

Customer: “Miss, why don’t you go back to the registers where you belong and bring me a computer guy?”

Me: “Sir, I am the tech person and would be happy to help you find your cable. Could you show me an example of what you mean?”

(The customer, extremely agitated, goes to a display computer.)

Customer: This is what I wanted! A cable!”

Me: “You mean a keyboard?”

Customer: “Um…yes.” *sheepishly leaves the store*

 

#10: Time To Call The Plumber (5,684 votes)

Me: “Internet help-desk, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t connect to the internet.”

Me: “How long has it been since you last connected?”

Customer: “I was connected until a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Have you changed anything in your network?”

Customer: “Well, I was downloading some movies over the net, but the download got too slow. I called a friend of mine and he told me that some movies could’ve gotten stuck in the cable. So I cut the cable to see if I could yank it out of there. I didn’t find anything, so I taped the cable back together. Now, can you get it back to work?”

Me: *grimace*

Crazy computer technician is trying to repair a computer with a drill

 

#9: Not-So-Smart Card (5,698 votes)

Customer: “Where are your film cameras?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry those anymore, but our digital ones are right over there.”

Customer: “Okay, and where are the film ones?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we stopped carrying film cameras a long time ago.”

Customer: “Is that one film?”

Me: “No, sir. None of the cameras in this store will be film.”

Customer: “But that one is big. See, the film goes right there!”

Me: “That is actually where the batteries go. This camera doesn’t need film because it is a digital camera”

Customer: “So where does the film go?”

Me: “No film, sir. They store the pictures on an SD card.”

Customer: “Why aren’t you listening? All I want is to buy a film camera!”

Me: “I am very sorry sir, but we only carry digital cameras. No film cameras.”

Customer: *looks at a camera* “I think I want that one. What kind of film is best to put in it?”

Me: *giving up* “It is actually pretty interesting, they started putting all the film in this tiny little card to protect it from any sort of light. Only machines can develop the film, because the card is so small, so you can only get prints by putting the card in a computer.”

 

#8: Addressed The Race Issue (5,754 votes)

(I work at a technical service call centre. A call is taken by an African-Canadian tech.)

Tech: “Thank you for calling [name of company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh, thank God they gave me somebody white! The last time I called they expected me to talk to some stupid n*****.”

(The tech is perfectly calm.)

Tech: “Sorry about that, sir. How can I help you?”

(The call proceeds as normal. The tech troubleshoots with the caller, and decides new software is needed. He offers to ship the software.)

Tech: “Just to make sure, can I reconfirm your address?”

Caller: “Oh, sure. It’s [full street address].”

Tech: “Thank you. Oh, and before you go, you ought to know that I’m the biggest, blackest mother-f***** you’ll ever meet in your life, and I know where you live. Good day.”

 

#7: Computers Increase The Chance Of Identity Theft (7,195 votes)

(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”

Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”

Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”

Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”

Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”

Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”

Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”

Me: “Please calm down and leave.”

Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”

Me: “Do you?”

 

#6: Flipping Out (7,516 votes)

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”

(Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.)

Caller’s grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the 70’s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”

(The grandson gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”

Me: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”

Caller’s grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”

Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80’s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”

Caller’s grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”

Me: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”

(The grandson relays this information.)

Caller’s grandmother: “Oh, okay then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”

Caller, to me: “Bless you.”

 

#5: Tricks Of The Trade (8,332 votes)

Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(I hand the call to my manager.)

Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Promote him?”

Computer aufrumen

 

#4: DE TING, DE TING!!! (8,751 votes)

(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support.

(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is it blue?”

Her: “On de ting.”

Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?”

Her: “Yes…de ting.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes…which one?”

Her: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

Her: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak english very very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

Her: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)

PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THINGSOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME

TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT)IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING

>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE

>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.

>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.

(And so on and so on…)

 

#3: About To Get Charged With Battery (9,455 votes)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

 

#2: How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse (9,751 votes)

(I work engineering support late in the evening.)

Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

(Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

(The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

(I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

(I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

Caller: *click*

Lets finish our chatting , darling , I want to sleep

 

#1: This…Is…Spyware! (10,153 votes)

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

 

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Click here to read the 12 Times You Wanted To Quit Working Tech Support!

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