He Won’t Be Wetting His Whistle

(I’m on the train, on my way home from work after a late shift. A guy sitting with his friend a few seats away from me starts whistling at me repeatedly, as you might call a dog. I ignore him, but then he gets up and sits beside me.)

Guy: “Hey! Why are you ignoring me?”

Me: “Because I’m a person, not a dog. I have a name, and if you don’t know it, you probably shouldn’t be accosting me for no reason in public.”

Guy: “Whoo! Look at you! I bet you never got laid in your life.”

Me: “Married, actually. Which you won’t ever be if you carry on like that.”

Guy: “No, you’re not.”

Me: “No? Oh, dear. You’d better go to the Register Office and inform them they have a fake marriage in their records.”

Guy: “Then why aren’t you wearing a ring?”

Me: “Because I happen to work with people who display severely violent behaviour. It wouldn’t be safe for me to wear jewellery to work, so I leave it at home.”

Guy: “Well, f*** you then, frigid b****.”

(He goes back to his original seat.)

Guy: *to his friend* “I think I’m in there, man! She’s well up for it!”