Unfiltered Story #192461

, , , | Unfiltered | April 25, 2020

So I used to work at this adult toy/lingerie shop on a street that had a lot of bars and clubs. Saturday nights were usually crazy, because by 9:30 no one who came into the store was sober.

So a lot of the adult shops in the city sell things called “poppers.” For those who don’t know, these are little bottles of chemicals used for cleaning. Think similar to nail polish remover, only stronger. It has nicknames, like “video head cleaner” or “Rush” (name of a brand.) People usually huff the fumes to get a really fast high, and usually during or right before sex to supposedly enhance the experience (Note: poppers don’t actually enhance sex, people just think they do. People will do a lot of bullshit to their brains and bodies in the persuit of sexual enhancement. Working in adult shops has taught me this one very, very true thing. When it comes to enhancing sex *or the illusion of it* no one thinks about what they are actually doing to/putting in their bodies.)

Problem with this is it’s essentially huffing chemicals, and yes it is harmful to the brain. A lot of customers didn’t believe me, but poppers are, in fact, illegal in the state of Illinois for the exact reason that they have been proven to damage/kill brain cells (most of the people who didn’t believe me or were surprised when I told them poppers damage the brain had been using them for a while…) If you walk into a shop and ask for “poppers,” technically, the employee is not allowed to sell them (if they are actually stocked in that store.) But if someone asks for it by one of these nicknames, they sell it. This is the legal loophole used to avoid getting in trouble with the law.

Anyway, because of their illegality, and because of the potential for brain damage, we didn’t carry them. Our store owner was really big on the health and safety of the customers (even if the customers didn’t give two shits about it.)

So one busy Saturday night, quite possibly the most DRUNKEN customer I’ve ever had stumbles through our door, and fairly shouts at me:

Customer: GIMME YOUR BEST POPPERS!!

Me: We don’t carry those.

Customer: OH…I’m sorry *air quotations with fingers* I mean “video head cleaner.”

Me: You can call them whatever you like, we don’t carry them.

Customer: *looks around* So…just…dildos?

Me: Dildos, vibrators, lingerie, lube.

Customer: OH GIMME YOUR BEST LUBE THEN!

Me: *sigh* Water-based or silicone-based?

Customer: Silicone!

Me: *picks up best silicone product we have* Well this is Uberlube. It’s our no. 1 selling silicone lube, and it’s the highest quality on the market.

Customer: I’ll take it!

Me: *goes to the counter begins scanning item*

Customer: So…how’s it work?

Me:…it’s lube. You put it on your bits for lubrication for sex.

Customer:….but…how does it affect…the nostrils?

At this point it became clear to me that this man, either because he’s drunk or stupid…or both, thinks that “lube” is another term for poppers (it’s not.)

Me:…it doesn’t. It’s lube. …In fact this kind is odorless.

Customer: …I love that you’re saying all this with such a straight face!

Me: Well I’m being completely serious. This is lube sir.

Customer: Okay…*winks* how does your store survive without selling poppers?

Me: We do just fine.

Customer: Okay…okay…

So he pays for the lube and stumbles his way back out. I don’t think there would have been any way I could have convinced him that what he bought wasn’t a popper. I’m sure he woke up the next day, with a massive hangover, a stuffy nose and a new bottle of high-end lube.