Unfiltered Story #18596

After the 2016 US presidential election, I fell into a deep clinical depression. I felt useless and pointless, like nothing I did mattered or made a difference to the world. I felt betrayed and hurt by everyone I interacted with, regardless of who they were or who they voted for. So i turned off facebook, stopped responding to emails, even considered turning off my phone. I vowed to do my work (I work from home) and play my video games and any further communication would be only be via the written word, via the post office.

Christmas was difficult. I sent out a few holiday cards to people that I intellectually knew that I HAD to, but the thought of buying presents or sending out the big boxes of surprise homemade cookies/cakes/breads that I usually do made my heart hurt.

I know it doesn’t make sense. It wasn’t because my side “lost”. My side’s lost before and I never felt like this. Depression doesn’t have to make sense.

I played my games, did my work, didn’t tell anyone, didn’t talk to anyone, and no one noticed. No one asked if I was ok, no one sent a text to check in. My depression felt vindicated. See? I told you that I didn’t matter.
And then I got a box.

A kid that I’ve been playing games with for a long time, almost a decade now, who’s probably a good 15 years younger, who I’ve never actually spoken to on the phone much less met, sent me a box of his mom’s handmade chocolate candies and a christmas card that said “to my most favorite guildmate ever”.

Dang, y’all. He’ll never know how much that meant, and how much his gesture set my heart to healing. And maybe my small gestures set other people’s hearts to healing to? Maybe I do matter? I’m not up for it yet, but… I think I’m gonna be ok.