17 Times Retail Workers Had The Perfect Comeback For Terrible Customers

From the NARchives: Is the customer is always right? Not for these employees who finally said what we’ve ALWAYS wanted to say to rude customers:

1. We begin with this bank employee who REALLY knows how to shut down a**holes:

Me: “Thank you for calling the bank. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time! What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? You can take this god-d*** mother-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mother-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

 

2. There’s the bartender who shows how how to deal with cheap patrons:

Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

Bartender: “YOU!”

 

3. Also this furniture store worker’s witty reply to an easily-offended shopper:

Furniture stores typically require the sales staff to discretely follow customers in order to be on hand if there are any questions.

Me: “Welcome to [Furniture Store]. Do you see anything you like?”

Customer: “What’s that supposed to mean? What, you think I’m gonna take something? I got money. I don’t need to steal anything from your store.”

Me: “No, ma’am. I was just checking to see if you needed any help. I didn’t think you were trying to take anything.”

Customer: “I’m no shoplifter. I said I got money. What, you think I’m gonna try to take something outta here?”

Me: “It’s a furniture store, ma’am. If you can fit a loveseat in your pocket, you’re welcome to it.”

 

4. Then there’s this bookstore manager who is “generally” done with cranky customers:

A really old lady comes into our bookstore.

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried [Store] across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there! I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any general store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping Manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

 

5. We also like this smoothie shop coworker with a colorful reply to a stupid customer:

Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

Me: “It tastes like… mangoes?”

Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”

 

6. And these bookstore employees with a very effective way to piss off a homophobe without getting in trouble:

A customer walks up to the counter where we have LGBT books up for Pride month.

Customer: “What the h***! Why are you guys showing off all these hommasesual books?”

Me: “Homma what?”

Customer: “Hommasesual books… you know, dudes with other dudes and stuff. You should be ashamed.”

Me: “I still don’t understand. I have no idea what a hommasesual is or ‘dudes with other dudes.’ I’m not sure what that means.”

Customer: “Oh, you all are a bunch of f**s here!”

Coworker: “What, you’re looking for bags?”

Customer: *gets fed up and leaves*

 

7. This customer who got what they deserved for discriminating against a stuttering employee:

Even though I stutter a bit, I never had any trouble helping customers. This customer thought otherwise.

Me: “C-can I help you sir?”

Customer: *odd look* “Yes, I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

Me: “Okay, that’s th-three ni-ninety please.”

Customer: “HELP! THIS GIRL CAN’T HELP ME!”

At this point my colleague enters the shop, standing at the second cash register which is closed.

Customer: “You! You can help me!”

Colleague: “I’m sorry, this cash register is closed. My colleague will help you.”

Customer: “But she can’t help me!”

A line begins to form behind the customer.

Customer: *to me* “So… he says you can help me.”

Me: “No, I can’t help you.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “I don’t help a**holes.”

Customer: *swears and leaves the store*

 

8. This drugstore worker, who used undeniable logic to deal with a demanding customer:

Customer: “I need you to find a battery for my Timex.”

Me: “Did you bring the watch with you? Sometimes it is stamped on the back cover.”

Customer: “I can’t decipher this. Can you open the watch and check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that service.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, we don’t offer that service. I have neither the tools nor the training to work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries!”

Me: “Yes, we do. I’ll gladly help check that you are buying the right one, but I won’t work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries! You HAVE to put it in for me!”

Me: “Sir, I could also sell you toilet paper, but you would still have to do the wiping yourself…”

 

9. The convenience store employee who out-insulted an insulter:

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I want one single cigarette.”

Me: “No problem. Can I see your ID?”

Customer: “What? Do I look fourteen to you?”

Me: “No, you look old enough, but unless I get an ID I can’t sell them to you.”

Customer: “Why can’t you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”

Customer: “Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”

Me: “I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”

 

10. Also, this tech support worker whose comeback was quite heady:

Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with my computer. Can you tell me?”

Me: “Well… can you explain what’s wrong?”

Customer: “Your job is to tell me what’s wrong.”

Me: “Yes, but unless you help me I can’t tell you what is wrong.”

Customer: “Why? Can’t you guess what’s wrong?”

Me: “Okay, maybe you can’t turn your computer on because it hasn’t got any power.”

Customer: *angrily* “DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID?”

Suddenly, the customer calms down.

Customer: “Sorry, you were wrong. It’s plugged in and the light is green. Can you guess what’s wrong? It’s still black on the screen.”

Me: “Well, is your screen on?”

Customer: “Yes, I just said it was. It’s just black!”

Me: “Right-click.”

Customer: “Hey, it worked… oh, it was a screensaver. Couldn’t you have guessed it was that at the start?”

Me: *thud thud thud*

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: “Guess.”

 

11. Then there’s this skateboard shop worker who had clearly had it with dumb customers:

When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall. I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.

Loud Customer #1: “You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ’em?”

Me: “Yup, right there.” *pointing*

Loud Customer #2: “What’s the return policy?”

Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.”

Loud Customer #2: “So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back? HAW HAW!”

Me:  “Heh, no. Thanks, guys.”

They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.

Coworker:  “Cousins need to STOP f***ing.”

I’d never laughed so hard in my life.

 

12. This retail employee who humorously used reason to deal with an unreasonable customer:

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “That’s impossible; this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

 

13. And this barista with a completely inappropriate but oh-so-satisfying burn:

Me: “I have a tall mocha.”

Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”

Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”

She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”

Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”

Me: “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”

 

14. The computer store worker who pulled a Clark Kent/Superman:

A man shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me.

Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work! I want a refund!”

I open the case. It was so scratched that it was nearly white.

Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

Me: “Of course.”

I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.

Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

He suddenly figures it out.

Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

 

15. Then there’s the bus rider whose use of sarcasm was oh-so-satisfying:

I am in the middle of a long bus ride. A woman is talking extremely loudly on her cell phone. Several other commuters have already moved away from her.

Driver: “Ma’am, I have to ask you to quiet down. You are disturbing other passengers.”

Woman: “I am trying to have a private conversation! Will you give me a minute?”

At this point, a man who had moved away silently stands up, removes the big “Be A Considerate Commuter” sign from the overhead rack, and sits pointedly across from her with it.

Woman: “Hold on, Lita. Some a** is trying to get my attention.” *covers phone* “If you don’t like it, you can get off the bus! Stop eavesdropping on me!”

Man: “Well, ma’am, at this point, I think you could talk a little louder and dispense with the phone entirely.”

 

16. Then there’s the waiter who fought rudeness with rudeness:

I am sixteen, working my first job as a waiter in a restaurant. One older female diner, very entitled, snaps her fingers to get my attention. I find this very rude but approach her professionally anyway.

Customer: “Get me a G&T. That’s a gin & tonic to someone like you.”

Shocked and offended, I admittedly reply before I can think.

Me: “Would you like ice and lemon with that? That’s frozen water and sliced fruits for someone like you.”

 

17. And finally, this high ropes instructor who delivered the perfect burn to an uncooperative customer:

I’m a high ropes instructor and work with kids in the forest. There are “No Smoking” signs posted all over the place, but I see a woman smoking right next to a sign.

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. There’s no smoking in this area.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it could start a fire.”

Customer: *snottily* “Well, I’ll make sure not to do that.”

Me: “Ma’am, you still can’t smoke in this area. There are children everywhere… the smoke’s not good for them.”

Customer: “Well, they’re my children, so it’s really my decision to make, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, as this is our property, it’s our decision. Please take your disgusting habit elsewhere.”

Customer: “Your FACE is disgusting.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, as soon as my face starts causing cancer, you can complain.”

 

Have you ever said or heard a perfect comeback? Share your story or leave a comment below!