Unfiltered Story #169557

, , | Unfiltered | October 10, 2019

(I was a loss prevention manager for a department store in a mall when I received a call from one of our Men’s Department sales associates.)

Associate: “Ummmm… There’s a guy in my fitting room who needs some help. I’m not sure what to do…”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Associate: “He… Ahhh… Um… Could you just please come over here?”

(I know this associate is pretty well, and it’s highly unlikely she would be calling us without good cause. If she felt uncomfortable telling me the nature of the problem over the phone, I had no doubt there was a valid reason.)

Me: “Someone will be right there.”

(I contact one of my officers via radio and ask him to head over to the department while I pull up the relevant cameras to monitor the situation from my office. A short time later I saw my officer speaking to the associate, then I watched him enter the fitting room. Thirty seconds later he steps back out onto the sales floor with a giant smirk on his face and he calls me back on the radio.)

Officer: “There’s a guy in here who suddenly felt like he had to pee. He… ummm… right now he’s got his thumb over his… (giggle) …his, uh… (giggle) …his pee hole. If he lets go, it’s not gonna be pretty…”

Me: “Huh?”

Officer: “He’s capping off the end of his d**k with his thumb. He can’t take it off without… I mean… he can’t exactly walk all the way through to store to the bathroom holding his d**k, ya know? What should we do?”

Me: “No way…”

Officer: “Way…”

Me: (Dumbfounded) “Is this, like, a little kid or something? Where are his parents?”

Officer: “No. The dude is at least in his twenties.”

Me: “I don’t…” (face palm) “How the hell should I know!?! Who the hell is so stupid they don’t know when they need to use the bathroom before it gets to that point?” (Wracking my poor astonished brain trying to figure out a solution.) “Ummm… maybe… how about you grab a couple bags from the register and double… no, TRIPLE bag them… have him p**s in that I guess…”

Officer: “Will do.”

(I see my officer grab three plastic shopping bags from under a nearby cash wrap, then head back into the fitting room. A few seconds later I see him come back out again and high tail it out of camera view, clamping his hand over his mouth in an obvious effort to keep himself from laughing out loud. Eight minutes later I see a young man in his twenties come out of the fitting room with a plastic shopping bag in his hand. The bag is knotted at the top, and it obviously contains at least a gallon of liquid. He walks straight out of the store into the mall, dumping the bag into a nearby garbage can before walking out of camera view.)

Me: (commenting to my officer over the radio) “When did this guy last take a piss? 1997?”

Officer: “You don’t pay me enough for this…”