1234 STFU Street

I’m a dispatcher for a city water department, and sometimes we get panicky callers needing their water turned off for one reason or another.

You’d think that you’d want the dispatcher to know the address of where you are and not fill a call with endless chatter so they could get the work done to get the crew there. Thankfully, I am allowed to hang up on people.

Me: “[City] Water Depar—”

Caller: *Speaking super fast* “Hi, I’m over at my mother-in-law’s house, and we heard a weird noise out in the garage, so we went out there, and there’s water coming out of the foundation, and we’re trying to—”

Me: “Slow down, slow down.”

The caller doesn’t stop.

Caller: “—sweep all of the water away from the rest of the stuff in the garage and—”

Me: “Okay, stop, stop, stop!”

The caller pauses to let me get a word in.

Me: “Where is this?”

Caller: “In the garage, and we’re trying to get all of this—”

Me: “I mean what location?”

Caller: “My mother-in-law’s house, like I said, and we’re trying to sweep all of this wa—”

Me: “STREET. ADDRESS.”

Caller: “1234 ABC Street. There is just so much water! I didn’t realize how much pressu—”

Me: “Okay, so you need an emergency shutoff of the water at the meter?”

The caller keeps talking super fast like the Micro Machine commercials.

Caller: “Well, at first, we heard this kind of pop, but not really a pop exactly, and then we could hear water running. You know, like, when the washer is on, you can kinda hear how water moves through the pipes? Well, there was that sound, and we wondered what kind of thing inside the house would—”

He hasn’t answered my question. I interrupt, talking over the top of him.

Me: “So, I’m going to try to get a crew out to you as soon as I can to shut the water off. Is that what you need?”

Caller: *Still speaking super fast* “Yes. After we realized there wasn’t any kind of appliance we knew of, we tried to follow the sound of the water pipe to locate where in the house it could be, you know, and then we realized it was mostly coming from the direction of the garage, and—”

Me: “I don’t need any of that information. I need to radio the crew, okay?”

Caller: “Okay, and then we went out into the garage, and then we saw a bunch of weird movement and thought, ‘I wonder why that is moving,’ and then we realized that maybe the water was moving them around, and then we turned the light on and could feel the humidity of the garage, you know, and—”

Me: *Speaking into my radio* “[Station Identifier] to [Crew Identifier].”

Caller: “No, I didn’t say that. I said we heard a noise at the garage, and when we went out there, we took a look and couldn’t see anything at first until we realiz—”

[Crew Identifier] responds.

Me: “I have a [Code #] at 1234 ABC Street.”

Caller: “—and then we realized there maybe had been some kind of pipe burst out in the garage, but we—”

The crew informs me that they’re en route.

Caller: “And so then, I was like, ‘How are we going to get all of this water out of the way of all the boxes?’, and then they were like—”

Me: *Interrupting* “So, the crew is on the way to 1234 ABC Street, okay? Can I get a first name and a call-back number for the report?”

Caller: “My name is [Caller] and my number is [phone number]. Be sure to tell them we have a lot of boxes, and it’s in the garage, and the garage door is open, and it’s starting to—”

Me: *Interrupting* “None of that is relevant to them. They’re going to arrive on site as soon as they can and turn the water off near the curb. How you handle anything else is up to you. You can ask them any questions after they get there.”

Caller: “Well, I just wanted to make sure that they knew it has to be soon because there’s this really big, heavy brown box — the kind with the lid that you have to close together at the same time or else it won’t close right, and then the rest of stuff you put on top will teeter to the side, you know. Well, it has some some pictures, and it’s heavy to move, and if we didn’t think of the brooms in time, there would have been—”

Me: “They’re on their way.”

Caller: “Okay, great, and—”

Me: *Hangs up immediately*

I get the report typed up, minus the essay, and the crew arrives and reports to me over the radio that they see no one on site. No garage door open, no water in the driveway.

I dial the number the caller gave me.

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] with the Water Departm—”

Caller: “Oh, good! When are they going to show up? We have been sweeping the wa—”

Me: “The crew is on site at 1234 ABC Street like you told us, but there is no one there. Are you not at 1234 ABC Street?”

Caller: “We’re at my mother-in-law’s house. I’m the son-in-law, and we have been sweeping to make sure it doesn’t soak any of these really huge boxes because we’re not very strong and it would take a long time to move—”

Me: *Louder* “My crew is at 1234 ABC Street, and no one is there.”

Caller: “1234 ABC Street, yes, that is my mother-in-law’s house, and we’re sweeping all this—”

Some lady in the background yells something unclear.

Caller: “Oh, we are at 1234 JKL Street. I thought you said they were onsite already. I mean, we’re standing here and sweeping so the water doesn’t get to the—”

Me: “They’re going to pack up again and drive to that address, so you’ll have to wait a bit longer.”

Caller: “Well, hurry! These boxes are going to be soaked, and I don’t know if all the pic—”

Me: *Speaking into my radio* “[Station Identifier] to [Crew Identifier].”

Caller: “No, no, we’re at 1234 JKL Street, not those numbers you said.”

Me: “I’m talking to the crew on the radio.”

Caller: “Okay, well, you sent them to the wrong address the first time. I was just making sure you didn’t send them to the wrong one again because we’re trying to use brooms to push all of the water that’s gushing out of the concrete out into the driveway, and we’re sweeping and sweeping, and we’re worried that some of the boxes — well, one big box in particular might be, but the others might have something in them like—”

Me: “The wrong address is the one you gave us to go to.”

Caller: “I told you I was at my mother-in-law’s house, and we’ve been waiting here for them. We would have seen them. You clearly—”

Me: “They’re on the way now to 1234 JKL Street.”

Caller: “Okay, good, and be sure—”

Me: *Hangs up*

Thankfully, I didn’t need to talk to them any more after that, but bless the undying patience of that mother-in-law.