10 Reasons Why You’re Probably Better Off Without Your Ex

| | Romantic | March 14, 2016
1 Thumbs
29
VOTES

Does your ex manage to get into your head and make you doubt if you’re any better off without them? Let these ten appalling examples from the Not Always Romantic archives put those worries to rest:

 

#1: Because your honeymoon was in Hell.

(My boyfriend and I are both divorced parents who have gone through some pretty bitter battles with our ex-spouses. I’m attempting to set up a Facebook account for him over the phone.)

Me: “Okay, I need the answer to your security question.”

Boyfriend: “What’s the question?”

Me: “Where did you spend your honeymoon?”

(At this point, I get a little annoyed, because I hate to be reminded they were once happy.)

Boyfriend: “I dunno, Hell?” *laughs a bit* “I forgot what I put down.”

(I remember the actual location, so I go ahead and enter it. It doesn’t work.)

Me: “Okay, it wouldn’t let me in when I answered it.”

Boyfriend: “I dunno then…”

(Being bored, I give his joke/answer a try.)

Me: “Oh my god.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “You actually answered ‘Hell’ to that question?!”

Boyfriend: *cracks up laughing*

(At least we feel the same way about our exes!)

 

2#: Because even Grandma disagreed with the relationship.

(I am getting a ride home from school from my friend’s grandma. I had been going out with a boy named Jacob for about a month, but then we broke up.)

Me: “Oh, look, there’s Jacob. He used to be my boyfriend.”

Friend’s grandma: “You should’ve gone with Edward. Sorry, it had to be said.”

 

#3: Because your sister automatically assumes he is a cheat.

(My boyfriend used to go out with my best friend. They had a rather difficult break-up after she cheated on him. We’re still friends, but since their break-up, she hasn’t really spent much time with my boyfriend. My sister is claiming that she saw them together.)

Sister: “I’m telling you, I saw them together.”

Me: “Are you sure it wasn’t someone who looked like [best friend]?”

Sister: “It was her. They were at the mall together.”

Me: “Well, maybe they’re just trying to patch up their friendship. It’s fine, I trust him.”

Sister: “But, I saw him kissing her!”

Me: “I’ll show no mercy.”

(I’m in tears by the time my boyfriend comes home. He tries to hug me but I stop him.)

Me: “Were you out with [best friend] today?”

Him: “Yeah, I met up with her at the mall and we decided to put our past behind us to hang out for a bit.”

Me: “So, my sister was lying when she said she saw you kissing her?”

Him: “No… I… well; I kissed her cheek because she helped me with something.”

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a box from his pocket.)

Him: “She helped me pick this out for you.”

 

#4: Because it was so bad you managed to turn them gay.

(I encounter my ex-wife while we’re both Christmas shopping.)

Me: “Have you done a Katy Perry like you said you would when we split?”

Her: “Yes. I did more than just kiss a girl, actually. I’m in love with one. We moved in together last month.”

(I pause to digest that information.)

Me: “I told you for years while we were married that women were the superior gender.”

Her: “Yes, but back then I didn’t believe you!”

 

#5: Because they cheated on you with someone half your age.

(I am having lunch with my ex-husband. We have been divorced for years, and the period of time around the divorce was pretty tough. At the time he had slept with a much younger woman. Things are very amicable between us now, and we meet for lunch once a month to discuss our teenage children and such. He has been seeing a woman (not the same one he cheated on me with) for almost a year, and it is getting serious.)

Me: “So how is [girlfriend]?”

Ex-husband: “Good. Very good. In fact, I wanted to ask you about that.”

Me: “Is it about the ring?

(I flash the wedding ring he gave to me, which used to belong to his mother. It is worth a fair amount and of huge sentimental value, so I have been expecting to be asked to return it at some point.)

Me: “Will you be wanting it back?”

Ex-husband: “Not at all. My mother told me to give the ring to the mother of my children. Last I checked, you still were.”

Me: “Won’t you be wanting to have children with [girlfriend]?”

Ex-husband: *in jest* “God, no! The teenagers ruined our marriage!”

Me: *smiling evilly* “I assume you’re referring to the nineteen year old you slept with, not our two beautiful children?”

Ex-husband: “I guess I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

 

#6: Because their mother still expects you to provide intimate duties towards them even though you’ve been broken up for a while.

(I have just finished going through a terrible break-up a few months before. It turned really ugly when my entire high-school turned against me because I broke up with the most popular guy in school. I have finally recovered after he tells everyone to stop harassing me. Just after graduation, his mom randomly walks through my front door without knocking and barges into my room.)

Ex’s Mom: “Hi Jenny! How are you?”

Me: “Um, I’m fine I guess. Why are you in my house?”

Ex’s Mom: “Oh, I just came by to see how you are doing after the break-up. I know you must be devastated.”

Me: “I’m just glad it’s finally over.”

Ex’s Mom: “Yes, you know it was really cruel of you to smash his heart into tiny pieces when he loves you so much. Bless his heart…he still cries himself to sleep at night.”

Me: “Really? Because last I heard he was completely over me and looking forward to leaving for his training to be a Marine.”

Ex’s Mom: “Yes well, that’s what I came here to talk to you about. You see, my sweet little boy is going to be leaving me to head out into the big world and he has yet to become a man. Lord knows, he wanted to make it with you but you just had to be a prude. But, now you can redeem yourself!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

Ex’s Mom: “I just need for you to make my little boy a man. You know we have a guest cottage at the back of our property you two can use. Just meet him there and sleep with him before he leaves. You know he simply can’t go off to training school a virgin. He would be humiliated! You understand dear.” *pats my knee and smiles*

Me: “Get out of my house!”

Ex’s Mom: “Okay, but here is a spare key to the cottage. Just think about it, but make up your mind soon! He leaves for training school next week. Bye-bye now!”

(She drops a key onto my bed and leaves.)

 

#7: Because your reward for enduring 24 hours of labor was someone else’s flowers.

(I’m having a very long, difficult labor, and finally deliver my son late in the evening after nearly 24 hrs. The next morning, the woman in the bed next to me has so many flowers arriving for her that the nurses have to bring in extra tables for them all. My parents send a weird looking planter shaped like a blue lamb. My husband walks in and looks around.)

Husband: “Oh, I should’ve sent you flowers. But, what the h***…you can just look at hers!”

(We are now divorced.)

 

#8: Because death is preferable to divorce.

(My fiancé and I are out to eat. He’s just told his ex-wife we’re getting married; she hasn’t responded to the news well.)

Me: “Well, chalk it up to a learning experience.”

Fiancé: “I know. I’ll just never have another ex-wife. Wait, that makes it sound like I’m going to kill you if you try to leave me.”

Me: “I know what you meant.”

(A little time passes as we eat, and then suddenly he starts giggling.)

Me: “You’re thinking about killing me again, aren’t you?”

(He nods, much to the waitresses horror.)

 

 

#9: Because your ex is so crazy they’ve been having a fantasy relationship with you ever since the breakup.

(My husband was born in a small town where everybody knows everybody else, not far from where I grew up. He and I have been together for several years, and for the last four years we’ve been living in California where he’s stationed. His hometown has a specialty baby store, so while I’m home visiting family, my pregnant sister and I decide to make the drive out there and do some shopping.)

Cashier: “Oh, you’re from [my hometown]? I know a guy who moved out there in high school. His name is [my husband’s name]. Did you go to school with him?”

(I’m surprised to hear the cashier say my husband’s name, but I decide to play along.)

Me: “Actually, yeah, I did.”

Cashier: “Yeah, we were such good friends before he moved. We dated for a while too, but I knew we couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship at that age. But now I think we’ll be getting back together soon!”

(I suddenly realize that the cashier is my husband’s crazy ex-girlfriend from middle school. He told me she became very attached and clingy with boyfriends very quickly, and as a result she found herself scaring guys away. They went on a couple dates when they were 13, but nothing ever came of it. Obviously I know the cashier is lying, but I’m too freaked out to correct her, so I continue to play it cool.)

Me: “Oh yeah? What are you guys doing this weekend?”

Cashier: “We’re going to dinner downtown. I even think he’s going to propose.”

(She has just gone from saying they are not in a relationship to saying they were in a serious relationship. My sister can’t hold it in anymore and starts to get angry.)

Sister: “Really? Because that might be a long drive for him. I don’t think he’ll be here in time.”

Cashier: “What are you talking about? [My hometown] is only an hour from here.”

Sister: “He doesn’t live there anymore. He lives in…” *my sister lies here, to see if it’ll trip her up* “…New York.”

Cashier: “I know that. He’s flying in for the weekend though. It’s our anniversary.”

(My sister catches the cashier in a lie, and I explode.)

Me: “Are you serious? Do you really think I’m going to buy this crazy story?!”

Cashier: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean he doesn’t live in New York. He doesn’t have a date with you this weekend, and he isn’t planning on proposing.”

Cashier: “How would you know that?!”

Me: “Because he’s already married. To me.”

(I see the color drain out of the cashier’s face. She knows she’s been caught in a lie and called out, so she tries acting like I just misunderstood her.)

Cashier: “Oh… I must have misspoke. I mean [my husband]’s brother. Sorry about that. I’m always mixing up names.”

Me: “He doesn’t have any brothers. If you were about to marry into his family, you would know that!”

(The cashier’s face turns completely red and she stops talking. My sister leaves her purchases on the counter and we leave, way too creeped out to do any more shopping!)

 

#10: Because their drama is literally crazier than fiction.

(A good friend of mine breaks up with his girlfriend. About a month later, he tells me he really likes me, and we go out. We get a little too drunk one night, and we spend the night together. However, I don’t hear back from him after that night. About two months later, he gets back with his girlfriend and tells her what had happened. Unfortunately, they had previously broken up because the girlfriend was rather jealous, and needless to say, she doesn’t like me very much anymore. Three months later, we are at the local playhouse. There are a lot of people gathering to audition for a new play that will be showing. I run into my friend, who is supporting his girlfriend in her audition.)

Girlfriend: *to her friend* “Some people here look really talented and like they could be hard to be picked over. Whereas some people are probably just going to try and sleep with the director to get the part, because that’s all they’re good at.”

(I know she’s talking about me, but I just try to ignore her because I don’t want to fall out with my friend.)

Girlfriend: *louder* “Yeah, some girls are just dirty sluts and need to stay away from other people’s boyfriends.”

(I keep ignoring her, and she is obviously getting annoyed. She comes up and pushes me.)

Girlfriend: “Who do you think you are, sleeping with my man?”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry if it upset you, but both of us were single at the time. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Girlfriend: “You shouldn’t have slept with him; we were getting back together!”

Me: “I didn’t know that; he didn’t tell me. And if you were seriously getting back together, he shouldn’t have slept with me. Don’t just blame me.”

Girlfriend: “He told me you got him drunk and was all over him.”

Friend: “I didn’t say that at all. Can we just leave it?”

Girlfriend: “No! She’s just a tramp, and I’m going to get that part over you!”

(At this point she pushes me, so I stumble back. I lose my temper and am about to swing at her, when the doors burst open, and a man comes through.)

Man: “Hi, sorry for the delay. Anyway, welcome to the auditions for [play name]. I will be helping our director to choose who does and does not get a part. We want you all to know though, that while we want to encourage inexperienced and amateur actors to audition to help them gain experience, we will not tolerate any bullying of any kind. All those chosen will be working very closely together, and therefore you will all need to get along. So let me introduce our director [my name].”

(I step forward, and my friend’s girlfriend’s face goes pale.)

Me: “Welcome everyone. I look forward to seeing what everyone can do. Before we start the auditions, [girlfriend] what’s your second name?”

Girlfriend: “Uh… I… It’s [last name].”

Me: *looking at the register* “Oh yes, here you are. Sorry, but I don’t believe we could work well together.”

(I cross her name out with a pen.)

Girlfriend: “What?! You can’t do that!”

Me: “Yes I can. I’m running the auditions. I wrote this play, booked the playhouse, and will be directing it. I don’t want you in my play. Now get out.”

(She tries to argue, but her boyfriend just grabs her arm and drags her out. Three months later, and they’re no longer together. He asks me out again, and I say no, as I am now with someone who loves and respects me.)

 

 

Like this list? Have a friend who needs a reminder that the breakup was a good thing? Share it with them here!
1 Thumbs
29
VOTES