You Won’t Believe This

(I am at home when a telemarketer calls.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, could I talk to [mother], please?”

Me: “Sorry, she’s not available.”

Telemarketer: “Don’t play with me. I want to talk to your mother.”

Me: “She’s not here. You can’t talk to her because she’s not here!”

Telemarketer: “So if I get off the phone, come to your house, open the window, and climb in, I won’t find her there? I could do that.”

Me: “Well, if you did that, one: it would be a crime, and two: you wouldn’t find her because she’s not here.”

Telemarketer: “I don’t believe you. Put your mother on right now.”

Me: “You know what? I’ve been more than patient with you. I’ve had it. Don’t call back here again. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone. It immediately rings again.)

Telemarketer: “We’re not done here. Put your mother on! I know she’s there!”

Me: “Fine, you got me. She’s kind of here.”

Telemarketer: “I knew she was there. Wait, how can she be kind of there?”

Me: “She’s here in body but not in spirit.”

Telemarketer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean she was mauled to death by a horde of angry platypi!” *sobbing voice* “I don’t even know how it happened. She was just sitting there, watching Days Of Our Lives, when they just came in with switchblades and shanks. She was watching TV; she never even saw them coming until it was too late! And worst of all: IT WAS PERRY THE PLATYPUS LEADING THEM! HE’S A MURDERER! A MURDERER!”

Telemarketer: “Well… I didn’t know your mother had died. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’ll remove your number from call list. Goodbye.” *click*

Me: “…I don’t understand how he believed that…”