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    You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

    | Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

    Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

    Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

    Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

    Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

    Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

    Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

    (I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

    Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

    Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

    Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

    Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”

    Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”