Ye Olde Sweeteth Romance

(My girlfriend likes a chili chocolate bar, which inspires to try it. I am unable to find it at any of the grocery stores. I text her.)

Me: “I hath been questing for yonder chili chocolate bar. Alas, no such luck. I feareth my journey shall become utter futility. I pray you keep faith with me, for I shalt continue my spicy cacao crusade, o fair maiden.”

Girlfriend: “Hast thou checked yon Target?”

Me: “Alas, I hath not the opportunity at this hour. Maychance the morrow, while the eve is more pearl than ebon.”

Girlfriend: “Aye, verily.”

Me: “Fear not, sweet damsel. For my palate shall endure the tang of the pepper-laden candy, gift of the Aztec gods, as soon as my travelling spirit permits! And the raucous youth have their fill of sporting with rubber spheres and perusing the literature of their strict havens.”

Girlfriend: “I love you so much, but it’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.”

Me: “Basically, don’t worry, I’ll eat the spicy chocolate soon enough, as soon as I get the chance to go somewhere besides work and my kids are done playing four square and reading.”