(I’m a lifeguard at a local pool. My girlfriend stops by on my lunch break. We’re standing near the concession stand when a middle aged woman approaches, dragging a teenage boy behind her.)

Woman: “You! Young man! Front and center!”

Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “While you were standing around flirting with this… this harlot, my baby almost drowned!”

(My girlfriend bursts out laughing, and the woman’s 15-year-old “baby” turns bright red.)

Me: “So sorry, ma’am. I’m not on duty right now, but several other lifeguards are. I’d appreciate it if you refrained from calling other guests vulgar names, though.”

Woman: “I’m just calling them as I see them! Look at how she’s dressed! Those shorts barely cover her butt!”

Girlfriend: *trying to hold in her laughter* “I think I’m going to run, babe. Love you.”

Woman: “Love!? You two are not in love! You’ve known each other for thirty seconds and almost caused my baby to drown!”

Me: *sighing* “Okay, ma’am. I will be back on duty in five minutes.”

Woman: “Okay! By the way, dear, you could do much better than that harlot!”