(At the moment, there is a one-man play showing at my theatre. There is no music, no sound effects, or even a microphone, so it is very quiet. One patron has been coughing quite loudly for the last 10 minutes or so of the performance. It’s annoying, but it’s November and a lot of people are ill.)

Rude Patron: “I want to make a complaint. All the way through the show there was this dreadful woman coughing, very loudly. You should have people inside the auditorium to stop that sort of thing! It ruined the whole play!”

Me: “I’m very sorry you were disturbed—”

(The rude patron points at the cougher in question; she’s a woman and is walking past both of us.)

Rude Patron: “There! That’s her! That’s the awful woman who wouldn’t stop coughing!”

Woman: “I hope when you have cancer people, treat you the same way!”

Rude Patron: *scuttles away shamefully*