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    Truthfully, He’s Totally Peanuts

    | PA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (My primary job at this store is cashier; however, today is my first day hanging tags. I begin in the organic and bulk sections when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “I’m so glad you’re here [My Name]. You see, [My Name], it’s been a while since I’ve been in here, and I’m so glad that you have a bulk section. You see, [My Name], I love those peanut clusters. I would love to buy a bag of them, but I think it’s only right that I could sample them. So what do you say, [My Name]? Will you let me sample the wonderful peanut clusters?”

    Me: “Uhm, I’m not really the person you should be asking…”

    Customer: “Well, [My Name], then you and I shall go together. [My Name], we will find the truth. I am a man of honesty. I honestly do want to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample it. I’ve been to other [Store] and I fell in love with the peanut clusters. But I just have to know, [My Name]. I just have to know if they are the same wonderful peanut clusters.”

    (The customer leans forward, pulling open his shirt pocket. Inside are flower petals.)

    Customer: “I have eight of these petals. I give one to you, [My Name]. Because it represents the truth that we will find.”

    (I look around. Not seeing anyone from produce nearby, I begin to lead him to the front end where the front-end supervisor or the service desk clerks could call someone, or maybe even run into a manager on the way there.)

    Customer: “I don’t see [Manager] anywhere. She’s usually here. And I’m glad [Produce Employee] isn’t here. [Produce Employee] is a [homophobic slur]. He’s a nice guy, [My Name], but he’s a [homophobic slur].”

    (We reach the service desk. My coworker talks to the customer.)

    Coworker: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “You see, [Coworker], [My Name] and I wanted to know the truth. Your lovely peanut clusters over there, I’ve had some at another store, and they were most wonderful. But you see, [Coworker], I want to know the truth if they are the same delicious peanut clusters as the others. I would love to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample one. [Coworker], do you know the truth that [My Name] and I are trying to learn?”

    (My coworker glances at me nervously.)

    Coworker: “Uh…” *pointing to grocery manager nearby* “He’s the one you need to talk to.”

    (Overhearing us, the manager comes up to the service desk, followed by the front end supervisor.)

    Customer: “[My Name], will you please tell [Manager] about the truth we wish to learn. We need to learn the truth.”

    Manager: “I don’t have time for the truth.”

    Customer: “You hear that, [My Name]? [Manager] has no time for the truth!”

    Manager: “I’m afraid of the truth.”

    Me: “He just wanted to know if—”

    Customer: “No. I’m done here. He has no time for the truth.”

    (The customer left, and the manager went back to work as if nothing happened.)