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    Those Who Don’t Read, Can’t Read The Signs

    | England | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am female. After leaving university, I have to cut my dreadlocks out to help me get a job. My hair is very short. My boyfriend and I enter a sandwich shop with our three-month-old son. They sit down while I go up to order, but there’s a bit of a queue. Two girls, also with very short hair, come in looking visibly upset and embarrassed. A few moments later, a group of very over-tanned girls come in, and join the queue. The other two short-haired girls try to avoid eye contact with them. One of the tanned girls approaches me.)

    Tanned Girl #1: “Hey you, they fancy you.”

    (She gestures over to the short-haired girls.)

    Me: “Okay?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Do you fancy them?”

    Me: “Well no, I’m straight.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “You’re not straight at all!”

    Me: “I’m not?”

    (I call out to my boyfriend.)

    Me: “Hey, when did you become a girl?”

    Boyfriend: “What?”

    Me: “Well, according to these girls, I’m gay. So you must be a woman, and our son must be an immaculate conception. Either that, or these girls have their heads up their a****.”

    (The two shirt-haired girls begin to giggle.)

    Tanned Girl #3: “Wait, so you’re straight?”

    Me: “What was your first clue?”

    Tanned Girl #1: “But you’ve got short hair.”

    Me: “Yes I do, which we all know is natural penis repellent.”

    (Everyone in the shop is laughing.)

    Me: “Now, will you please leave me and these girls alone, and stop being homophobic?”

    Tanned Girl #2: “We’re not homophobic!”

    Me: “You tried to make fun of me because you thought I was gay. Judging by the looks on their faces when you came in, I’m going to guess you were making fun of these two earlier for the same reason. You tease people because they’re homosexuals, therefore you’re homophobic. Maybe if you pulled your heads out your a**** every once and a while, you could take a look in a dictionary.”

    Tanned Girl #2: “Books are for geeks and losers.”

    Me: “Wait, so you girls aren’t intellectual readers?”

    (Everyone in the shop is now laughing so much, that they’ve stopped serving people in order to calm down. The group of girls run out of the shop with their cheeks the brightest shade of red I have ever seen. The two girls are so happy with what I said to them, that they bought both me and my boyfriend lunch.)