There Is No Substitute For Good Volume Control

(I am a substitute teacher. Everyone calls the substitute coordinator at my district ‘The Screamer,’ because she screams all the time. I laugh when I hear other teachers and subs talking about her, because I figure surely they are joking or exaggerating. I have my first encounter with ‘The Screamer’ at about 6 am.)

Me: “Hello, I’m in a long term assignment and I need—”

Substitute Coordinator: “WHO IS THIS?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry this is [My Name]. I’m in a long term—”

Substitute Coordinator: “ARE YOU A TEACHER?! BECAUSE YOU CAN SCHEDULE YOUR ABSENCE YOURSELF ONLINE!”

Me: “No, I’m a substitute. I’m in a long—”

Substitute Coordinator: “SUB NUMBER?”

Me: “It’s [number].”

Substitute Coordinator: “YOU ARE [MY NAME]. YOU ARE AT [ELEMENTARY SCHOOL]. WHAT DO YOU NEED?”

Me: “I have an important doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I can’t reschedule. I talked to—”

Substitute Coordinator: “YOU NEED TO LET THE SCHOOL KNOW, AND [REGULAR TEACHER] ALSO!”

Me: “Right, I talked to Mrs. [Regular Teacher], she said it’s fine and to create an absence to get another sub in for the day.”

Substitute Coordinator: “WHY WOULD SHE TELL YOU THAT? YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “RIGHT! That’s WHY I’m calling YOU! I need YOU to do it. Okay?”

Substitute Coordinator: *perfectly normal tone of voice* “Next time just say you need to get a sub for a sub. Hang on.”

(Rapid typing ensues.)

Substitute Coordinator: “Okay, I have created the absence for you; there will be another sub in for you tomorrow then after that your long term picks back up.”

Me: “Thank you. Is there a—”

Substitute Coordinator: “DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?”

Me: “Yes, I need to know—”

Substitute Coordinator: “WHAT IS IT?”

Me: “Is there a new job number or—”

Substitute Coordinator: “NO! YOUR JOB NUMBER IS THE SAME OKAY?!”

Me: “Ok thank—”

Substitute Coordinator: *click*