The Deal Of His Life

(I am being served in a gas station, when a drunk customer approaches the clerk.)

Drunk Customer: “Do you sell beer?”

Clerk: “Of course, sir. Right over there.”

(The clerk starts to ring my up my purchases, but the drunk customer shoves them aside and drops a pair of six-packs on the counter.)

Clerk: “I, uh—”

(I nod for him to go ahead. Just then, the door opens behind me and four uniformed police officers come in. There are three police cars parked out front, and one of the cops is quite loudly talking into a radio.)

Drunk Customer: “Hey! You overcharged me. I saw you. Dirty Jew!”

Clerk: “I… um… I’m Irish Catholic.”

Cop: “Sir, do we need to—”

Clerk: “No, no, just let him—”

Drunk Customer: *turns around and faces me* “Yo, little lady! Don’t say a word of what you’re about to see. Got it?” *to clerk* “Y’know the guy who worked here before you? They threw him in jail for dealing heroin.”

Clerk: “Yes, um, I remember that.”

Drunk Man: “So, sell me some f***ing heroin!”

Clerk: “I, uh…” *he takes cover behind the counter*

Cop: “Okay, buddy, we need to-”

(The drunk customer pulls a gun from his pants. It’s small, orange-tipped, and says ‘SUPER FUN CAP GUN’ on the side. However, the cops can’t see it, and they draw their guns.)

Me: *to the cops* “It’s a toy! It’s a cap gun!”

(Hearing this, one cop quickly holsters his gun and tackles the man.)

Drunk Customer: *as he’s dragged away by the cops* “Yo, b****! I told you not to tell! We had a deal, we had a deal!”

(Fast forward some time, and note that both the drunk customer and I have some pretty unique and visible tattoos. I’m at a cafe.)

Waiter: “Excuse me, miss, but I have to ask, I think I recognize your tattoos.”

Me: *noticing his* “Gas station, four cops, cap gun?”

Waiter: “I never got to thank you for intervening on my behalf. I should have been shot that day.”

(We chat for a while. After the conversation, he tells me my meal’s on the house. Unfortunately for him, I’ve gotten the same thing I always do, so I leave the amount, plus a decent tip, anyway. As I’m leaving, he notices what I’ve done.)

Waiter: “Yo, b****! I told you not to pay! We had a deal!” *notices shocked patrons* “Uh, hope you enjoyed your coffee.”