Welcome To ArkMart, My Name Is Noah

| Nashville, TN, USA |

(I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot long juvenile alligators.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh… well, no.”

Don’t Worry, We’ll Have The Giraffes Pull Double Shifts

| Saint Paul, MN, USA |

Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the zoo closed at 6 pm today.”

Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up?¬†I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere.¬†Can I see the paper you printed out?”

Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at 6 pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

(I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than 6 pm.)

Please, No More

| Philadelphia, PA, USA |

Zoo visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

Zoo visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

Zoo visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

Zoo visitor’s wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

Zoo visitor: “Honey, tell ‘em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

(I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

Related:
TMI Redux
Way Too Much Information
TMI (Too Much Information)

Natural Selection In Action, Part 2

| St. Paul, MN, USA |

Zoo visitor: “Aren’t lions vegetarians?”

Me: “No, lions are carnivores.”

Zoo visitor: “I’m sure I read somewhere that they are vegetarians. How are they carnivores?”

Me: “Sir, lions are well known carnivores. They hunt for their food. Their diet consists of mostly meat. They would not survive on fruits and vegetables alone.”

Zoo visitor: “Are you sure about that?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, if you really want to you, can jump into the lion exhibit to see if they’ll eat you.”

Zoo visitor: “Vegetarians wouldn’t eat a human, would they?”

Me: “My point exactly.”

Related:
Natural Selection In Action

No, But They Do A Wonderful Brogue

| Scotland, UK |

Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

Guy at the zoo: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”

Me: “Ummm…. no.”

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