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  • When Quacks Attack

    | La Crosse, WI, USA |

    (I worked at a zoo next to a nature trail through some wetlands. It’s not part of the zoo, just a good view.)

    Them: “Hey, we just love that walking trail.”

    Me: “That’s great.”

    Them: “Yeah, but I was wondering. How do you keep the animals in place?”

    Me: “Well, we have cages for that.”

    Them: “No, out there, on the trail.”

    Me: “Those are wild animals, ma’am.”

    Them: “Really? But they were sitting so nicely!”

    Me: “Ducks tend to do that.”

    This Chicken Has Flown The Coop

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (Working at the zoo, I hear a lot of strange things from visitors…)

    Me: *feeds chickens*

    Older man: “Oh, you’re a bus stop!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Older man: “A bus stop! You’re a bus stop, aren’t you?”

    Me: “?”

    Woman: “No, she’s not a bus stop.”

    Older man: “…oh.”

    Me: *completely at a loss*

    Welcome To ArkMart, My Name Is Noah

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot long juvenile alligators.)

    Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

    Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

    Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

    Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Oh… well, no.”

    Don’t Worry, We’ll Have The Giraffes Pull Double Shifts

    | Saint Paul, MN, USA |

    Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the zoo closed at 6 pm today.”

    Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

    Me: “No it doesn’t.”

    Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up?¬†I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

    Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere.¬†Can I see the paper you printed out?”

    Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

    Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

    Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

    Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at 6 pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

    Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

    (I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than 6 pm.)

    Please, No More

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Zoo visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

    Zoo visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

    Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

    Zoo visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

    Zoo visitor’s wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

    Zoo visitor: “Honey, tell ‘em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

    (I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

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