Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Maps

| Brookfield, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(Two customers are in my line to buy some bottle water. I can clearly tell from their accents that they are from another country.)

Me: “That will be five dollars, please. And may I ask where are you from?”

Customer: “Sure mate. We are from Scotland.”

Me: “Oh, nice. I hope you enjoy your visit to America–”

(A teenage kid nearby overhears us and interrupts.)

Teenage kid: “You better, seeing how we saved your a** in the Korean War!” *storms off*

(My two customers exchange glances, shake their heads, and look back at me)

Customer: “I love America.”

Dodo Brained

| Melbourne, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(At our zoo, we have a dinosaur walk-through area. A mother is pointing out rhinoceroses to her young son.)

Mother: “Look, honey! They have the last living dinosaurs here!”

Me: “Ma’am, they aren’t actually dinosaurs. The dinosaurs that we have on display are replicas on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But your advertisements said you had dinosaurs here today!”

Me: “We do, but these aren’t dinosaurs. They are rhinoceros. The dinosaurs are on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But that’s just not true! These are rhino-SAURUSES! I think I know a dinosaur when I see them!”

You’ll Need Special 2D Glasses, Though

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(At the zoo where I work, I’m answering questions from a group of tourists from Connecticut.)

Tourist: “So, do you all say ‘eh’ in Canada?”

Me: “Not too much, really. Maybe they say it a bit more out east.”

Tourist: “Canada has an EAST?!”

Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children

| Brookfield, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.)

Father: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?”

Me: “No, sir. They are not.”

Father: “But we saw them move…”

Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.”

Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?”

Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.”

Son: “So are they real, dad?”

Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!”

(As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.)

Mother: “You know dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way, you won’t have problems like this.”

Fowl-Mouthed Accusations

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Top

(I’m telling a group of visitors about the peacocks at our zoo. After I’ve finished, one of the visitors stops me.)

Visitor: “Young man, can I have a word with you?

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. How can I help you?

Visitor: “I don’t appreciate you using that kind of language in front of my children.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I wasn’t aware I had.”

Visitor: “We prefer to call those birds over there pearoosters.”

Me: “Um, why?”

Visitor: “Because peacock is a bad word! I really don’t think you should be using that sort of language and those dirty words in front of small children!”

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