July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

As Long As It’s A Tofu Hat

| USA | Pets & Animals

(I am a zookeeper, and am taking care of five lions which are new arrivals. We’ve set up a natural habitat for them and they are ready to be introduced to their new home. I press the button that raises the gate between their cage and the habitat, and they begin to examine their new surroundings. As I do this, I get tapped on the shoulder by a visitor.)

Visitor: “New arrivals?”

Me: “Yes, just got here this morning.”

Visitor: “What do they eat?”

Me: “Well, meat, of course.”

Visitor: *nods* “I thought so. Then, I am just in time. We need to protect these poor animals!”

(The visitor hands me a poster about being a vegetarian. I look at it, and then look back at her.)

Me: “So these lions should NOT eat meat?”

Visitor: “No, of course not! There are enough healthy alternatives, as listed on this poster!”

Me: “I don’t think the lions would agree with that. However, they do eat vegetarians; cows and so on, you know. Nature.”

Visitor: “Oh, no!” *turns to the lions* “I’ll bring tofu tomorrow, you’ll like it!”

(As she leaves, a female coworker who has overheard the conversation chimes in.)

Coworker: “If she can do that, I’ll eat my hat!”

Maturity Can Be A Tall Order

| USA | Pets & Animals

(At our zoo, during certain times of the day, guests can buy lettuce to feed our giraffes on an observation deck.  One day a man comes up with his family carrying a couple of leafy branches.)

Guest: “Hey, I found these branches in the woods around the zoo.  Can I feed these to the giraffes.”

Me: “No, sorry, sir.  The zookeepers determine the diets of the giraffes, and we really can’t feed them anything the keepers haven’t approved.  If you would like to feed them, you can purchase some lettuce.”

Guest: *disappointed* “Okay, I guess that makes sense.  I’ll get a few pieces of lettuce for my kids.”

(I return to selling lettuce to other guests, when out of the corner of my eye I see the man holding the branches just out of reach of the male giraffe’s tongue.  The giraffe is clearly desperate to get the leaves, and the man is grinning. My coworker apparently witnesses this as well.)

Coworker: “Sir, please stop teasing the giraffes.”

Guest’s Wife: *to her husband* “You’re a 36-year-old man.  You should know better!”

Got The Bird, But No Bees Here

| Toledo, OH, USA | Pets & Animals

(I work at the African exhibit of a zoo. I have a real ostrich egg that we regularly show to visitors. We only have two female ostriches that occasionally lay an egg. Their keepers take it out, empty the yolk, and give it to our staff for demo purposes.)

Me: “Hi kids, want to see a real ostrich egg?”

Kid: “Ooh, why is there a hole in it?”

Me: “The keepers drilled a hole to get to yolk out, so it doesn’t become rotten. It has a yolk just like a chicken egg you eat for breakfast. We don’t have any boy ostrich so we know there wasn’t a chick inside, only a yolk.”

(The mother of the kid chimes in.)

Mother: “The boys lay the eggs with the chicks inside?”

Me: “No, we only have females so there is no chick, only yolk. It’s like when chicken lay eggs we eat.”

Mother: “Right, so only the males lay eggs with chicks inside?”

Me: “No, males don’t lay eggs at all. It takes a boy and a girl to make a chick. Like to make a baby, the boy has to fertilize the eggs?”

Mother: “Ooh!”

Guess Who Got The Lion’s Share Of The Stupid

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

(I am making my rounds in the Africa area. An American couple is standing in front of the lion compound. There is a clear sign stating it is an African lion.)

Tourist #1: “Excuse me, what animal is this?”

Me: “That would be a lion, ma’am.”

Tourist #2: “Oh, yes. We have them in Utah!”

Me: “Actually, sir, you have mountain lions in Utah. Not African lions.”

Tourist #1: “Then you should tell someone that mountain lions shouldn’t be in the Africa section!”

Stretched Pennies Stretch The Budget

| North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Money, Uncategorized

(I work at the food court at a zoo. After one customer gives an order, their total comes to $10.26. They fish out a 10 dollar bill and a quarter, and continue to look for a penny.)

Me: “Oh, that’ll be fine.”

Customer: “You sure? I know I have a penny in here somewhere, I’d rather just give you that.”

Me: “Oh, okay then.”

(The customer pulls out a penny that has been in a Press A Penny machine, machines that we have around the zoo that flatten, shape, and add an animal imprint design to pennies.)

Customer: “Here you are.”

Me: “Well thank you, but you realize you can’t use this penny, right?”

Customer: “What? Why not?”

Me: “It’s not valid anymore. But really, it’s fine if you’re one cent short.”

Customer: “It’s not about that! It’s about why you’re all too good for my money!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take it, but it’s not–”

Customer: “Is it because I’m [ethnicity]?”

Me: “No, ma’am!”

Customer: “Then tell me what it is! The real reason!”

Me: “Um…” *I look at the penny* “Oh! Yeah, this penny is valid. Sorry, I mistook it for something, uh, else.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *walking off* “Some people these days!”

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