Client: “Here’s the final copy.”

Me: “Are you sure this is the copy you want to run with?”

Client: *Angrily* “It’s the final copy! Run with it!”

Me: “If you say so. But just so you know, the copy says, ‘Keep your equipment ruining in top shape.’”

Client: “We both know it is supposed to read, ‘…running in top shape.’ Why would you use the copy if there’s a mistake?”

Me: “‘Final’ usually means final.”

Client: “Well, ‘final’ has a new meaning. Fix it!”

Client: “Listen, you f***ers, our website is all fuzzy. I don’t know what you’ve done, but it is totally f****** fuzzy.”

Me: “I think you might have problems with your Internet connection. What you’re seeing is some of the images progressively downloading, and—”

Client: “Don’t give me any of that nerdy, numpty, nancy-boy mumbo jumbo. All of the pictures look like s***. If you don’t believe me, go on the site and you’ll f****** see.”

Me: “No, you’re confused. You see, if the images—”

Client: “Listen, f***er, I’ve got better things to do than…”

A long, long pause follows.

Client: “Oh, wait, you’ve fixed it.”

I was on the phone with a particularly difficult client, trying to assist them with our CMS (Content Management System). Merely choosing colors was agony with this person, as they couldn’t tell the difference between orange and purple, yet they insisted they were not color blind by any measure.

Today was something else, though.

Me: “In order to access the content management system, I need you to open your web browser. Once it’s open, you can type the address into the URL bar.”

Client: “Okay, it’s open… but where is this bar?”

Me: “There should be a blank bar at the top of your browser window where you can input a web address.”

Client: “I know that. But where is this bar? I opened my browser and there is no bar.”

Me: “There should be a section below your ‘File’, ‘Edit’, ‘View’, and ‘Window’ options bar on your browser that allows you to type in addresses and surf the web.”

Client: “Listen. I have no idea what you are talking about! There is no bar on my screen. I don’t see any place for a web address.”

Me: “What options are at the top of your browser?”

Client: “‘File’, ‘Edit’, ‘Format’, ‘Table’, a copy and paste button, my fonts… None of this URL business!”

Me: “Wait, are you in Microsoft Word?”

Client: “Yeah, why?”

A client calls to complain about a website that was pushed out months ago. Trying to diagnose the problem, I notice that the overall layout has changed.

Client: “No, the layout has not been changed. Everything’s just been better arranged.”

Me: “Well, the new layout seems to be the issue.”

Client: “What new layout?”

Client: “I want a simple font for my homepage.”

Me: “Something like Verdana?”

Client: “Oh, no! I hate that Verdana-style! Look, maybe like on this page.”

Me: “The body text?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s Verdana.”

Client: “D***.”