My state allows us to switch power companies easily. I’ve done it a few times, and I always get a lower bill and often a “new user” $100 gift card, AirPods, Nintendo Switch, etc. It takes about ten minutes.

New Company Salesman: “Sign up here, and get $100, plus a 10% guaranteed discount off of anyone else’s price!”

Me: “Sounds great!”

I sign up.

My old company calls me and explains that I now owe a $200 service cancellation fee. I call [New Company], and I find that they are more expensive than they claimed. They also claim that they never made such guarantees.

Me: “I’d like to cancel the policy I just started. Can I do that without a fee? The $200 cancellation fee at [Old Company] is more than I’d save with you in two years.”

New Company: “Hi, I’m Aubrey! Oh, don’t worry about those! They never sue. It’s really hard for them to take you to court, and they can’t repossess your equipment, not for $200! Legally, it’s actually not a crime; you never need to pay those silly cancellation fees. You never, ever have to pay a cancellation fee, no matter what a silly power company says. You’re unlikely to be arrested or go to court or need a lawyer.”

Me: “Great, but… word of advice: it’s a $5 to $10 discount offer, and you’ve mentioned lawyers, lawsuits, and court seven times. Maybe… don’t bring up lawyers and the police so many times when trying to sell someone on a $5 discount?”

New Company: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

I call my old company and mention this. They are willing to waive the cancellation fee, give me a lower rate, and send a welcome gift. 

I call [New Company] again and end up speaking to Aubrey from customer service.

New Company: “Oh, you’re canceling? I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay our mandatory $100 fee; it’s required.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, Aubrey. A nice woman from customer service named Aubrey told me fifteen minutes ago ‘on a recorded line’ that those are optional, not a law, that no company will ever sue you for it, and not to worry, ever, no matter what a silly power company says. Let Aubrey know that’s valuable information, Aubrey!”

I later somehow got both welcome gifts anyway: Gen 2 Airpods and a $150 Visa gift card.

While living in the DC area, my parents and I would often attend concerts at the Kennedy Center. On one occasion, we went to see the Canadian Brass, a brass quintet that mixed humor into their performances. We couldn’t get three tickets seated together, so I sat a few rows behind my parents.

For one of their songs, one of the Brass was on stage explaining that in medieval times, musicians didn’t sit together in an orchestra pit. Rather, they sat throughout the theatre. As he was explaining this, the other four were wandering up and down the aisles, looking for empty seats. The tuba player found a seat directly behind me and scooted in. He then handed me his sheet music, just as the one on stage said:

Band Member: “So, often, audience members would find themselves seated next to a tuba.”

They then played the song. I was following along with the music as I’ve been playing instruments since I was five.

When the song came to the bottom of the second page, I turned the page for the tuba player. On that page, there was a repeat that needed to return to the previous page, so I turned it back when the song got to that point. I continued to turn the pages as needed until the song ended.

Then, the tuba player stood up, thanked me, and went back to the stage. Once he got there, he said:

Tuba Player: “And wasn’t I lucky that I sat behind a young man who could read music!”

I am working as a tour guide, and I am waiting for my tour group to arrive. I can hear some of the early arrivals talking among themselves, including a dad talking to his young son.

Dad: “That’s the White House!”

Me: “No, that’s the Capitol Building.”

Dad: “No, it’s the White House! It’s where the president lives!”

I point down to the Washington Monument.

Me: “No, the White House is down that way, right of the Monument.”

Dad: “That thing? But that thing is tiny!”

Me: “It’s pretty big, but it is small compared to the Capitol Building.”

Dad: “Wait… This is the Capitol Building? That thing I saw them storm on the news?!”

Me: “The very same.”

Dad: *Sizes it up* “I bet I could storm it all by myself.”

Me: “Sir, our tour takes us inside the building.”

Dad: “See? I got inside without even trying!”

I advised him to not “joke” about that incident on the tour. He did not follow my advice and was removed from the tour by security before we even got to the entrance.

I worked for a bookstore in an affluent part of the country, and we had our share of entitled customers who thought we should stay open for their benefit. Our closing announcements were made fifteen minutes to close, five minutes to close, and at closing, but we still got several folks per night who were conveniently deaf to those announcements.

One night, I was working a closing shift after two days of a nasty cold. My throat was still sore and my voice was raspy, and my manager had kept me in the back doing stuff that did not require me to speak much. At 9:45 pm, fifteen minutes before closing, he buzzed the back room.

Me: “Yes?”

Manager: “Hey, how’s the throat?”

Me: “Ready for a cup of hot tea. Why?”

Manager: “Would you like to do the closing announcements tonight? I’m out of patience with people.”

Me: “With pleasure.”

I switched over to the store speakers and deliberately lowered my voice down to the deepest, most gravelly register my throat could manage.

Me: “Good evening. Please be advised that the store will be closing in fifteen minutes. Please bring your items to the front for purchase.” *Beat* “NOW. Thank you.”

Five minutes later, the manager buzzed again, trying not to laugh.

Manager: “Please do that again for the last two announcements. People were running to the registers.”

I did so. When I emerged from the back room five minutes after we had officially closed, there was no one but the staff in the store, and the manager handed me a hot cup of tea from the cafe.

I work part-time at a discount retail store while I am home from college. One day, during the summer, I am working at the register when a customer comes up looking to check out. In her haul are two pairs of earrings. As I scan them, the customer suddenly becomes confused.

Customer: “Those are supposed to be ‘Buy one, get one 50% off.’ There’s a sign that says so!”

The register automatically applies those discounts on its own. I glance at my screen and notice that the discount didn’t pop up. That’s odd.

Me: “Huh. Can you show me the sign that you saw? Maybe the register doesn’t have the sale in its system yet.”

Together, we walk to the aisle where she got the earrings. On the shelf are a variety of necklaces, earrings, and boxed jewelry sets. These sets are aimed at kids and contain a set of earrings, a ring, and a necklace that all match with each other. She gestures toward the big sign that says, in bold letters, “Buy one, get one 50% off all boxed jewelry”.

Me: “Oh, I see the problem. The sale is only on the jewelry that comes in the boxes like these.” *Picks up one of the boxes to show her* “The earrings you picked up aren’t in a box, so they aren’t on sale.”

Customer: “You should make your signs less confusing to your customers.” 

I just stared at her in disbelief. She didn’t even read the sign and wants to blame me for it? I didn’t respond to her and just walked back to the register in silence. She didn’t get the earrings.