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    (D)efinitely (V)ery (D)umb

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you just rented me this movie, and it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It keeps playing the same scene over and over again.”

    Me: “The same scene keeps playing?”

    Customer: “Yeah, and it has these words written on it. ‘Play’, ‘Scene Selection’, ‘Language’ and ‘Special Features’.”

    Me: “Uh, sir, that’s the DVD menu. You just have to click ‘Play’ and the movie will start.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard of that. How do I do that?”

    Me: “Uh, just hit the arrow buttons on your remote until you get to ‘Play’, then hit ‘Enter’ and the movie will start. Or, if you have a ‘Play’ button, just hit that.”

    Customer: “OK, where is that on my remote?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what your remote looks like.”

    Customer: “Never mind, I found it. OK, I’m clicking ‘Play’. Well now it just went black! Oh, now it has something different. Can you stay on the line with me for a little to make sure that scene doesn’t start repeating again?”

    The Point Of No Return

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You charged my credit card forty five dollars. Can I get a refund?”

    (I pull up his account.)

    Me: “Okay. I see that you rented two movies that were never returned and you were charged the sale price of the movies.”

    Customer: “Well, I was on vacation and I forgot to return them on time.”

    Me:“Let me go check the shelves for them; it’s possible that they didn’t get checked in properly. If I find them I can put a credit on your account that you can use whenever you’re in the store next.”

    Customer: “I didn’t return them.”

    (It’s been over two months since the movies were originally due.)

    Me:“You didn’t return them?”

    Customer: “Nope.”

    Me:“Sir, you would like me to pay you for renting movies and never bringing them back?”

    Customer: “Uh huh.”

    Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

    Customer: “Okay…I just thought I’d ask.”

    Not Thinking Inside The Box

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Uncategorized

    (This takes place when people still primarily use VCRs. A customer comes in, rents three tapes, and leaves. He comes back in the store, very upset.)

    Customer: “You rented me the wrong size tapes!” *slams three video boxes onto the counter*

    Me: “Sir, we only carry VHS tapes. Did you get a BetaMax?”

    Customer: “I know what a VHS is! But, these don’t fit!”

    Me: “Okay, let me check them.”

    Customer: “Go ahead, try to put them in your machine!”

    (I take the first box, open it, and begin to insert it into the front of the VCR.)

    Customer: “Oh, you mean you have to take them out of the box first?”

    Related:
    Thinking Outside The Box
    Not Thinking Outside The Box, Part 3
    Not Thinking Outside The Box, Part 2
    Not Thinking Outside The Box

    Saw The Wrong Dust

    | London, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Is this movie one of those violent ones?”

    (Customer shows me a copy of ‘Stardust’.)

    Me: “No sir, that’s a family fantasy movie.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I thought Sawdust was violent and gory?”

    Me: “Sir you’re think of the ‘Saw’ movies. You have a copy of ‘Stardust’, which is completely different.”

    Customer: “I was looking for something really disturbing and violent.”

    Me: “Well ‘Stardust’ has a scene with Robert De Niro in a dress doing the can-can.”

    (Customer mulls this over for a few seconds.)

    Customer: “I think you’d better show me where those ‘Saw’ movies are.”

    Clearly Not The Better (Or Smarter) Half

    | Memphis, TN, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to rent Mr. Hoople Oople.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m not familiar with that one. Is it a comedy or drama? Our movies are alphabetical, so I’m sure I can help you locate it.”

    Customer: “It’s a music video.”

    (I take him over to the music and concert section. Nothing of that sort is found.)

    Me: “Hmm, is that the name of the band or the venue?”

    Customer: “No, it’s a movie. Mr. Hoople Ooople.”

    Me: “No, I’m not showing anything by that name. We have a book over here that we can look up movies by actor or actress.”

    Customer: “Richard Dreyfuss was in it.”

    (I find nothing.)

    Me: “Sir, maybe we don’t carry this film.”

    Customer: “You do, my wife called and you said you had it!”

    (I check with the other counter clerks. One of them looks confused but a light goes off in his head, and he goes and grabs a box off of the shelf.)

    Customer: “See? I told you! Mr. Hoople Ooople!”

    (The customer holds up a box which says “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” He checks out.)

    Co-Worker: “I’d have had no idea what he was talking about either, but his wife called an hour ago and asked about it…with the right name, of course.”

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