Customer: “I’d like to rent Mr. Hoople Oople.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m not familiar with that one. Is it a comedy or drama? Our movies are alphabetical, so I’m sure I can help you locate it.”

Customer: “It’s a music video.”

(I take him over to the music and concert section. Nothing of that sort is found.)

Me: “Hmm, is that the name of the band or the venue?”

Customer: “No, it’s a movie. Mr. Hoople Ooople.”

Me: “No, I’m not showing anything by that name. We have a book over here that we can look up movies by actor or actress.”

Customer: “Richard Dreyfuss was in it.”

(I find nothing.)

Me: “Sir, maybe we don’t carry this film.”

Customer: “You do, my wife called and you said you had it!”

(I check with the other counter clerks. One of them looks confused but a light goes off in his head, and he goes and grabs a box off of the shelf.)

Customer: “See? I told you! Mr. Hoople Ooople!”

(The customer holds up a box which says “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” He checks out.)

Co-Worker: “I’d have had no idea what he was talking about either, but his wife called an hour ago and asked about it…with the right name, of course.”

Customer: “I’d like to get this DVD for my son.” *hands me a copy of Watchmen*

Me: “How old is your son, ma’am?”

Customer: “Five.”

Me: “Sorry, this film isn’t suitable for your son.”

Customer: “But it’s about superheroes! How can a film about superheroes be unsuitable for kids?”

Me: “There is a scene where one of the heroes cuts a man’s head in half with a meat cleaver.”

Customer: “What, are they thick or something? How could you put that in a kid’s film?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [video rental store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Have you seen District 9?”

Me: “Yes, I have. Do have questions about it?”

Caller: “Is this some sort of Australian joke?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “All this movie has been is interviews with government people and aliens wearing brassieres! Am I watching some weird special feature or is this some kind of Australian joke?”

Me: “Well, the movie is in a documentary style and that definitely sounds like the beginning of the movie. If you want, you can come down to the store and exchange it for no charge.”

Caller: “Thank you very much. Those Australians have a weird sense of humor, man. I should know…I used to be married to a Brit and they’re strange, too!”

Me: “All right, sir you have a good night.”

Caller: “OK. I will put in a decent movie now which is not an Australian joke.”

(We have the top ten DVD’s on a wall. We use an empty case with a number on it to show where each film is ranked in the top ten. A man walks up and puts the number ’3′ case on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like hire this.”

Me: “This isn’t a movie. Star Trek is currently ranked number 3. Would you like to rent that?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want Star Trek! I want this one!”

Me: “Sorry, that is just an empty case that we use to show our top ten rentals, it isn’t a film. If you’d like to rent one of our top ten make sure you grab one of the take home cases behind the display cases.”

(The man seems to catch on, returns to the shelf and walks back with one of the generic DVD cases we use to chock up the number ’3′ case so it sits flush with the other DVDs).

Customer: “There! Now will you let me rent it?”

(Two teenage customers ask if I can find a film for a school project.)

Customer #1: “Hi, do you have Casablanca?”

Me: “Sure.” *I fetch the film*

Customer #1: “Oh, it’s black and white?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #2: “That’s no good! We don’t have a black and white TV, only color!”