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    Why Some Folks Have Children

    | Reading, Berkshire, UK | Top

    (A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.”

    Me: “You mean adult movies?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

    Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?”

    Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.”

    Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

    Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

    (Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

    God Forbid

    | Swampscott, MA, USA |

    Customer #1: “Oooh, I’ve heard great things about The Passion of the Christ.”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, it really reaffirms your faith in Christ.”

    Me: “It’s been a big hit this week–Mel Gibson tried to make it as historically accurate as possible.” *cough* “Even all the dialog is in Aramaic.”

    Customer #1: “Wait what?!”

    Me: “It’s in Aramaic, the language which they spoke back then.”

    Customer #1: “You mean it has subtitles?! It’s not in English?! Ugh, I’m not gonna watch that!”

    Those Pesky Twin Brothers

    | Maryville, MO, USA |

    (I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

    Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

    Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

    Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

    Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

    Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

    Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

    (Customer sputters for a moment.)

    Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*

    Endlessly Loopy

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Man on phone: “Hi, I don’t think this DVD is working properly.”

    Me: “What happened, exactly?”

    Man on phone: “We put it in and it plays, but the movie is only a couple minutes long and then it starts over again.”

    Me: “Are there any words on the screen?”

    Man on phone: “Yes. The title of the movie and some other things.”

    Me: “Is there a word that says Play or Play Movie?”

    Man on phone: “Yes.”

    Me: “Just hit the play button on you remote control or DVD player.”

    Man on phone: “Wow! Thanks! It’s doing something else now. I just thought it was a short movie.”

    Pride Goeth Before A Rental

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (I have a reputation of knowing good movies. Some customers got into the habit of just coming in and asking me what they should watch…especially when they wanted to seem intellectual. One customer was an a** one day so I gave him a Russian movie that was slow, boring and pretentious. He returned the movie about a week later.)

    Me: “How’d you like it?”

    Customer: “Man, you dropped the ball on this one. It sucked. Took me three nights to get through it. I kept falling asleep. I hate to have to pay this much money for it.”

    Me: “Wow, I’m surprised. I don’t recommend it to a lot of people because I don’t think they’ll catch the subtle subtext in the imagery.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “Yeah…the meat of the story is really in the shot composition, the use of color and the things that remain unsaid. It gets past a lot of people but I thought you would have caught that and enjoyed the message.”

    Customer: “You know, don’t check that in yet. I’ll take it back and watch it again.”

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