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    Overutilized Word, Underutilized Noggin

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (This happened at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. We had received copies of the older three so people could get caught up on the series.)

    Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

    Me: “Alright, what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

    Me: “Well, that’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

    Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

    Me: “… so, what do you want me to do?”

    Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

    Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

    Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

    Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

    (So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

    Manager: “What’s up?”

    (The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

    Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

    Customer: “Well yeah, we utilized it.”

    Manager: “Then stop using 5-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

    Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

    Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

    Customer: “What number can I call?”

    (We give him the number for our regional manager. We hear the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 3

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (Note: I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

    Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

    Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The credit card.”

    Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

    Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if i didn’t have a credit card.”

    Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

    Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

    Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

    Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

    Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

    Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

    Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

    Customer: *walks away with his head down*

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    Why Some Folks Have Children

    | Reading, Berkshire, UK | Top

    (A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.”

    Me: “You mean adult movies?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

    Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?”

    Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.”

    Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

    Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

    (Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

    God Forbid

    | Swampscott, MA, USA |

    Customer #1: “Oooh, I’ve heard great things about The Passion of the Christ.”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, it really reaffirms your faith in Christ.”

    Me: “It’s been a big hit this week–Mel Gibson tried to make it as historically accurate as possible.” *cough* “Even all the dialog is in Aramaic.”

    Customer #1: “Wait what?!”

    Me: “It’s in Aramaic, the language which they spoke back then.”

    Customer #1: “You mean it has subtitles?! It’s not in English?! Ugh, I’m not gonna watch that!”

    Those Pesky Twin Brothers

    | Maryville, MO, USA |

    (I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

    Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

    Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

    Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

    Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

    Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

    Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

    (Customer sputters for a moment.)

    Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*


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