Assassination By Whiffle Bat

| Colorado, USA | Uncategorized

Customer, to her boyfriend: “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?”

Customer: ¬†”You said that In Bruges was good.”

Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?”

Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!”

Me: “… and?”

Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.”

Customer: “So?!”

Plastic, It’s Faaantastic

| Hattiesburg, MS, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling . We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

(In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

Me: … I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

(This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

Customer: “Yes ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

Garraporta, Bumblebore And Lord Boweldesnort

| San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m walking around stocking videos when a man comes up to with an extremely strange accent.)

Customer: “I’m looking for the Garraporta.”

Me: “I’m not sure what movie that is. What’s it about?”

Customer: “It’s the Garraporta. There are many movies!”

Me: “Uh, did you ask at front desk?”

Customer:Garraporta, Garraporta! There are many movies!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ve never heard of that movie.”

(I try every way to tell him I don’t know that movie, but he follows me all around the store saying “Garraporta!” Suddenly, he¬†stops and picks up a movie.)

Customer: “Here, Garraporta!”

Me: “Oh, Harry Potter!

Customer: “Yes, Garraporta! There are many movies!”

Related:
Hogwarts, The Continuing Education Years

(Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 3

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: this is something I witnessed.)

Clerk: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for this movie. I rented it before, but I want it again.”

Clerk: “Sure thing, what’s the title?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know. ”

Clerk: “What was it about?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Clerk: “Well, do you remember what the cover looked like?”

Customer: “No, not really.”

Clerk: “Who was in it?”

Customer: “I didn’t pay attention. ”

Clerk: “…”

Customer: “…”

Clerk: “Sir, I can’t find the movie without any details.”

Customer: “Isn’t that your job?!”

Related:
(Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 2
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Overutilized Word, Underutilized Noggin

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(This happened at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. We had received copies of the older three so people could get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “Alright, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “… so, what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using 5-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We give him the number for our regional manager. We hear the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

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