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    Violence On TV, Stupidity On The Couch

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (A video rental customer approaches with two young children.)

    Customer: “Hey, you guys seen Con Air?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Why’s it rated R?”

    Me: “Well, the language is pretty strong, but it’s primarily because of the violence.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, does it have any sex in it?”

    Me: “Um, not that I recall.”

    Customer: “Okay, great. Hey kids, we’re getting Con Air!”

    What Is This Culturally Monolithic Country Coming To

    | Savannah, GA, USA |

    Me: “Good evening sir, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a good movie.”

    Me: “Of course. I recommend Pan’s Labyrinth…¬†it was excellent.”

    Coworker: “You are aware that this movie has subtitles.”

    Customer: “What the s*** is that?”

    Coworker: “The words at the bottom you have to read. It’s in Spanish.”

    Customer: “What the f*** is that?¬†We’re in America, we don’t speak Spanish!¬†I want it in American!”

    (He storms off and promptly returns with Apocalypto.)

    Me: “Sir, you do know this movie has subtitles, too?”

    Customer: “What the f***? What is this country coming to? When did we become another country?! I want a g**d*** American movie! Where are the American movies?”

    Me: “The store is full of movies made in America.”

    (He walks back up about 10 minutes later with Letters From Iwo Jima in his hand.) 

    Customer: “This is the movie by Clint Eastwood, right?”

    Coworker: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “And it’s really good, too.”

    Customer: “Clint Eastwood is a real American. He knows what I like!”

    (I give a look to my coworker who doesn’t say anything this time, and we rent him the movie. Too bad Letters From Iwo Jima is all in Japanese with English subtitles.)

    From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

    | Texas, USA | Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

    Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

    Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

    Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

    Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

    Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

    Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

    Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

    Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

    Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

    Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

    Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

    (The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

    Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

    Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

    Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

    Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

    Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Assassination By Whiffle Bat

    | Colorado, USA |

    Customer, to her boyfriend: “Don’t ask him. He’s the one who said he liked that other movie!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry? What movie did I say I liked before to you?”

    Customer: ¬†”You said that In Bruges was good.”

    Me: “Um, yeah. I actually really liked that movie. What was wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It was sad, and there was a lot of blood in it!”

    Me: “… and?”

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me there was going to be blood!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I told you it was a movie about hitmen.”

    Customer: “So?!”

    Plastic, It’s Faaantastic

    | Hattiesburg, MS, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling . We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

    (In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

    Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

    Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

    Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

    Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

    Me: … I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

    Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

    (This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

    Customer: “Yes ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

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