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    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3

    | Bloomfield, MI, USA |

    (A customer walks into my video rental store on Christmas Eve 2005; it’s about 9 pm.)

    Customer: “Are you open?”

    Me: “Are the lights on?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Are the lights on?”

    Customer: “Yes…”

    Me: “Was the door unlocked?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah…”

    Me: “Have you ever been somewhere that was closed when the lights were mon and the doors were open?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “So, you understand now!”

    Customer: “No. Are you open or not?”

    Related:
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water

    Movies That Never Should Have Been Greenlit, Vol. I

    | Lansing, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

    Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

    Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

    Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

    Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

    Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

    Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

    Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

    It’s Okay, That Character Was Tone Deaf Anyway

    | Birmingham, UK |

    (I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

    Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

    (He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

    Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

    Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

    Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

    Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

    Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

    Me: “…”

    (Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)

    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (A customer walks into the video rental store, clearly confused.)

    Customer: “Where can I rent some condoms?”

    Me: “… try the grocery store. We rent movies only.”

    Customer: “But, don’t you guys… umm… cater to that kind of customer?”

    Me: “Not my job to know, sir. Personally, I would never sell them here, let alone rent them.”

    Customer: “That’s because you’re a stupid Catholic who’s not going to get laid until you are married! F*** YOU AND YOUR F***ING MORALS!”

    Me: “I am going to have to ask you to leave, sir. Your behavior is unacceptable in this store.”

    (The customer suddenly grabs the fliers on the counter for the upcoming movies, throws them everywhere and then sprints out.)

    Violence On TV, Stupidity On The Couch

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (A video rental customer approaches with two young children.)

    Customer: “Hey, you guys seen Con Air?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Why’s it rated R?”

    Me: “Well, the language is pretty strong, but it’s primarily because of the violence.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, does it have any sex in it?”

    Me: “Um, not that I recall.”

    Customer: “Okay, great. Hey kids, we’re getting Con Air!”

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