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    Dude, Where’s My Brain

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    (Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)

    Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s [phone number].”

    Coworker: “Okay, so Chris [last name]?”

    Customer’s friend: “Holy s*** man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”

    Coworker: “…”

    Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”

    Customer’s friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”

    Thou Playest Too Much Warcraft, Methinks

    | Lapeer, MI, USA |

    (An customer wearing the famous “I F**K on the first date” t-shirt is at our video rental store complaining about a charge on her account. Note that she also has her four year-old daughter with her.)

    Customer: “You f***ing peons make seven dollars an hour, and you think you can tell us what to do?! You lost that movie yourself!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do–”

    Customer: “No, but you will be sorry! I expect a heart-felt apology to my face!”

    (The customer storms out of the store with her daughter in tow, but before I can get to the next customer she comes back in.)

    Customer: “My daughter is bawling because of you! So, thank you! THANK YOU!”

    (She kicks the door on her way out and goes back to her car. I take a deep breath and put my smile back on.)

    Me: “I can help who’s next!”

    Next customer: “Did she just call you a peon?”

    Danica Says Eat My Dust

    | Canada |

    (I am a female employee. A customer came in asking me to look up a movie about NASCAR that was not in our system.)

    Me: “We actually don’t have that movie in our system at all. Sorry about that.”

    Customer: “The movie is called ****. It’s about a NASCAR driver.”

    Me: “Yes, I looked up the title, and we don’t carry that movie at all.”

    Customer: “Well, maybe you could ask your manager to look it up for me.”

    Me: “Yes, of course.”

    Customer: “It’s just that women don’t generally know much about NASCAR. I mean, it’s nothing personal. I know that I wouldn’t be interested in learning how to knit, or how to wash a dish.”

    Me: “…”

    Sucks In The City

    | Henniker, NH, USA |

    (This is late at night at the video rental store, and I’m a teenage girl working by myself. A man walks in and stands there grinning.)

    Me: “Um, hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Sucks to be you!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *pulls his arm in front of his face like Dracula* “I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!”

    Me: “Uh…are you looking for Dracula videos…?”

    (At this point, we hear a car pull up.)

    Customer: “AHH! WITNESSES! DRACULA, AWAY!” *runs out*

    Because Aramaic Is Sooo Last Millenium

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I rented this movie, and ya’ll gave me the wrong one. This one has subtitles, and I wanted it in English.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. But Passion of The Christ is supposed to be in subtitles. It’s the way Mel Gibson made it.”

    Customer: “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! Why would he do somethin’ stupid like that?”

    Me: “Well, I’m guess he just wanted to be true to its roots.”

    Customer: “The idiot. Everyone knows the Bible is in English!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “So, can you fix it or what?”

    Me: “Fix it? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Call up that Gibson feller and tell him to send you guys the English version!”

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