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  • Beyond The Call Of Duty

    | Wisconsin, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work at a video rental store that carries some adult movies in a side/back room. I am busy sorting our dropbox of movies when a older gentleman approaches my male coworker.)

    Customer: “These [adult] movies didn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want to grab a couple others to replace them?”

    Customer: “No, you do it for me. These didn’t work.”

    (I check the computer system for replacement copies.)

    Me: “Well, these are the only copies of these movies, but you can go get two others for free today.”

    Customer: “You go find two for me. I want ones that work. You go pick them out.”

    Me: “You want me to go get you two replacements?”

    Customer: “Yes, you.”

    (I go into the back room and chooses two movies for the customer. I then clean the new movies and check out the customer.)

    Me, to coworker: *after the customer leaves* “Please tell me you heard what he had me do.”

    Coworker: “Did you just go pick out porn for him?”

    Me: “Yeah. How weird.”

    Coworker: *laughing* “I’d just grab the first two I found.”

    Me: “I couldn’t! I had to find ones that were a similar theme.”

    Coworker: “Awkward.”

    Me: “Totally.”

    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    | Gilbert, AZ, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working the counter when a confused-looking customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Do you have any horror movies?”

    Me: “Yes, the horror section is over there, past action.”

    Customer: “No, no! I mean horror movies.”

    Me: “Right, horror movies. Like, scary movies, right?”

    Customer: *growing agitated* “No! I mean horror movies!”

    (He keeps giving the word slightly suggestive emphasis, so I start to wonder if he’s trying to say something else. He keeps carefully enunciating the whole word, including the last syllable.)

    Me: “You are saying ‘horr-OR’ movies, right? Like The Exorcist, Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street?”

    Customer: “No! Horror movies. You know, adult movies!”

    A Liberal In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Mountain View, CA, USA | Politics

    (While I’m working, a woman comes up to rent a liberal leaning movie. In an attempt to make small talk, I mention that I’m not that into politics, but I really enjoy watching Rachel Maddow’s show on MSNBC.)

    Customer: “Who is that?”

    Me: “She’s a liberal newscaster.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I’d have to watch 2 hours of Fox just to make up for watching that! I don’t want to get unbalanced!”

    The Goblet Of Law Suits

    | Reno, NV, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am talking to an older customer. This is a few years ago.)

    Customer: “How many Harry Potter movies are out?”

    Me: “They just came out with the fourth one. I can’t wait for the next book though.”

    Customer: “Oh. Won’t the movie industry be mad that they are making the book before the movie? It will spoil everything.”

    Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

    | NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

    Me: “I… uh…”

    Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

    Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

    (The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

    Me: “Hi, this is . The movie you reserved was just returned.”

    Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

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