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    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    | Gilbert, AZ, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working the counter when a confused-looking customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Do you have any horror movies?”

    Me: “Yes, the horror section is over there, past action.”

    Customer: “No, no! I mean horror movies.”

    Me: “Right, horror movies. Like, scary movies, right?”

    Customer: *growing agitated* “No! I mean horror movies!”

    (He keeps giving the word slightly suggestive emphasis, so I start to wonder if he’s trying to say something else. He keeps carefully enunciating the whole word, including the last syllable.)

    Me: “You are saying ‘horr-OR’ movies, right? Like The Exorcist, Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street?”

    Customer: “No! Horror movies. You know, adult movies!”

    A Liberal In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Mountain View, CA, USA | Politics

    (While I’m working, a woman comes up to rent a liberal leaning movie. In an attempt to make small talk, I mention that I’m not that into politics, but I really enjoy watching Rachel Maddow’s show on MSNBC.)

    Customer: “Who is that?”

    Me: “She’s a liberal newscaster.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I’d have to watch 2 hours of Fox just to make up for watching that! I don’t want to get unbalanced!”

    The Goblet Of Law Suits

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    (I am talking to an older customer. This is a few years ago.)

    Customer: “How many Harry Potter movies are out?”

    Me: “They just came out with the fourth one. I can’t wait for the next book though.”

    Customer: “Oh. Won’t the movie industry be mad that they are making the book before the movie? It will spoil everything.”

    Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

    | NJ, USA |

    (A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

    Me: “I… uh…”

    Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

    Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

    (The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

    Me: “Hi, this is . The movie you reserved was just returned.”

    Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

    Nothing As Dangerous As A Woman Porned

    | Inland Empire, CA, USA |

    (A customer has just finished checking out two adult movies.)

    Coworker: “Have a good evening, sir!”

    Customer: *whirls back after taking a few steps* “Oh crap!”

    (He rushes back to the counter before the next customer can come up.)

    Coworker: “Did you forget something, sir?”

    Customer: *trying to speak quietly* “I shouldn’t have used my card! Can you reverse it? I have cash! I can pay with cash!”

    (I notice the situation. I come over to help.)

    Me: “Sir, if it’s a problem I’d be happy to refund the charge back to your card.”

    Customer: “My wife is going to see it online! She’s going to kill me!”

    (He seems to be starting to panic.)

    Customer: “Yeah, you have to reverse it!”

    Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, even if I do that the charge and the refund will both still appear on your bank statement, but–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “No good! I have to get to the bank right now! I have to stop them!”

    (He rushes out the door. He forgets the movies and has to run back in for them.)

    Me: “Sir, it’s alright, the–”

    Customer: “I have to stop the bank!”

    (He almost trips up running out again. He didn’t give me time to explain that his bank statement will only show our store name; not the titles he rented.)

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