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    Because Real Men Don’t Need (Or Follow) Instructions

    , | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (This all began over the phone with a male customer who hadn’t received a instruction manual with their game.)

    Me: “Okay, so you didn’t receive a manual correct?”

    Male Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Can I bring it in and exchange it for another that has a manual?”

    Me: “Of course, just bring in both the game and the receipt.”

    Male Customer:“Ok, great. I should be there in about half an hour.”

    Me: “Sounds good.”

    (Half an hour later…)

    Male Customer: “Hey, I called about returning my game without the manual.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, sure. I’ve got the game ready for you and everything. So all I need is the receipt…”

    (A look of horror crosses the customer’s face, which is quickly replaced with a look of feigned puzzlement.)

    Male Customer: “… receipt?”

    Me: “Yes, receipt.”

    Male Customer: “You didn’t tell me to bring a receipt. Can we do it without it?”

    Me: “Er… no. I very specifically told you to bring one so we could do the transaction. Also, I need to know the games from our store.”

    Male Customer: “No, you didn’t! Look, I just drove across town to get here to get this stupid manual from you guys because you didn’t give it to me!”

    Me: “That was a factory defect sir, we don’t package the games, we just sell them. Also, there’s nothing I can do without a receipt.”

    Male Customer: “Well, can’t you just open that one–” *points to the new game I’ve pulled out for him* “–and give me the manual from there?”

    Me: “No, that would leave us with another game with no manual, only it wouldn’t be in our system. We can’t do the transaction and we also need to know that it’s from our store first.”

    Male Customer: “Look dude, just give it to me, your boss doesn’t have to know!”

    (I glance to my side where my manager is standing with a badge that says “Manager”. He sighs and quite calmly says… )

    Manager: “Sir, please go home, be a man and learn the game without reading the manual first. Thank you. Goodbye.”

    All Hail Wikipedia

    | Peterborough, ON, Canada |

    (A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

    Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

    Me: “Just a second.”

    (At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

    Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

    Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

    Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

    Customer: “Please stop.”

    Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

    Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

    Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

    Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

    Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

    Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

    (I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

    Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU!”

    Puzzle on Wikipedia

    A Little Thing Called Responsibility

    , | Video Game Store |

    (I walked into a game store and there was a violent car jacking on the local news where a poor couple had been killed. The only person behind the counter is a good friend of mine and an middle-aged woman walks in.)

    Woman: “I can’t believe today’s violence. I blame that, the violent media.”

    Me: “Yeah, people are a little crazy these days.”

    Woman: *to my friend* “Can I have that Call of Duty 4 there, please?”

    My Friend: “Um, who are you buying this for? It’s a little survey the store is doing…”

    Woman: “Oh, of course! It’s for my 13-year-old son. ”

    (As soon as she left, my friend and I busted out laughing.)

    Mmm, Pasty Nerds

    , | Exton, PA, USA | Top

    (A woman in her forties walks in…)

    Customer: “I’d like $5 worth of games for a Nintendo DS and the system itself. This should cover it all.”

    (The customer puts $20 on the counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any DS games for five bucks, and if you want a DS, you’re about sixty-five dollars short… $115 if you want a new one.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Toys’R'Us has them for $15. You should price match.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not price match here, and even if we did, I’m only a seasonal employee and wouldn’t likely be allowed to.”

    Customer: *screaming* “Let me speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Alright…”

    (I go to get manager from the back room. She explains the situation. BTW, I’m a woman myself.)

    Customer: “THIS IS DISCRIMINATION! YOU AREN’T GIVING ME FAIR TREATMENT BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAT, PASTY NERD THAT KNOWS THINGS LIKE YOU TWO! AND BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN!”

    Manager: “I’d like you to leave the store, please.”

    Customer: “FINE! NERDS!”

    Bull In A China Shop

    , | Dubai, UAE | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Back story: our local government has banned Grand Theft Auto 4, but this was never publicly announced. I put up a sign that said in big letters “GTA IV IS BANNED AND IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE”.)

    Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I wanna buy Grand Theft Auto 4.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that game is unavailable as it is banned in Dubai.”

    Customer: “So… how much?”

    Me: “It’s banned. You can’t buy it in the country.”

    Customer: “Ahh, wait, I see the sign. Sorry, I didn’t notice it before…”

    (He spends several minutes studying the sign intently.)

    Customer: “Can you reserve a copy for me or what?”

    Me: “Sir, you cannot buy it. If I even had a copy and sold it to you, it would be illegal… do you understand?”

    Customer: “So, I can’t buy it?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “Well, I think you’re keeping it for yourself!”

    Another Customer: “Hey why don’t you just leave? The guy said you can’t buy one and the huge sign explains why you can’t.”

    Customer: “Look f**ker! I just want the game so give it to me before I seriously hurt you!”

    Me: “Just piss off, alright? I don’t have it and I wouldn’t sell it to a prick like you anyway. Now get out of my shop!”

    (The other customers in line applaud and cheer.)

    Customer: “Well gee, sorry… you don’t have to be so rude!” *walks out*

    (My blood pressure is just returning to normal when the original customer suddenly runs in COMPLETELY NAKED. Before we can react he grabs a Guitar Hero 3 guitar that is on display and proceeds to HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH IT. My customers in line jump him and we eventually subdue him. We call the police and he was never seen again. I lost 1000 dollars worth (about 3000 dirhams, our local currency) in broken merchandise.)

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