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    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

    | Carbondale, IL, USA |

    Me: “Animal hospital, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

    Me: “… what, sir?”

    Caller: “Prostitute dogs, do you have them there?”

    Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

    Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

    Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

    Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

    Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

    Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

    Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “That’s bull***t. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

    The Devil Is In The De-Tails

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make an appointment for a dismemberment.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want to bring in my dog for a dismemberment!”

    Me: “Oh! You must mean a distemper shot.”

    Customer: “Yes! Now, when can I get my dog dismembered?”

    So Dumb It Hurts

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (I work at a vet’s office, and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

    Me: “… the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

    Customer: “Will that hurt?”

    Me: “Will what hurt?”

    Customer: “Cutting him, will it hurt when you cut him?”

    Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM, it’s just cutting his fur.”

    Customer: “Oh…¬†but will that hurt?”

    Me: “No… it’s hair.”

    Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

    Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

    Customer: *looks confused*

    Me: “Okay… well no, it won’t hurt.”

    (I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toe nails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

    Me: “… you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process*

    Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

    Me: “No… he may not like it, and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

    Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

    Me: *goes over the ear cleaning process again*

    Me: “… and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

    Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

    Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

    Customer: “But how do I do that?”

    Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

    Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

    Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… the puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bath tub…”

    Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

    (At this point, I look at the woman’s three children, and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

    Me: “Umm… you put water on him… err… you know, we have full-service grooming here, it includes a bath, we’ll do everything for you… cut his toe nails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

    Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

    Me: “It’s WATER!”

    Just A Teensy Bit Dramatic

    | Auckland, NZ |

    Customer: “I’m on my way to the kennels and my cat here needs an injection to get in.”

    Me: “Well, you need an appointment for that. We’re fully booked until tomorrow afternoon.”

    Customer: “If you’re going to be so difficult, I’ll take my cat elsewhere and get it put down!”

    Someone Needs To Get Out More

    , | Unknown Location | Top

    Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?”

    Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.”

    Me: “Is it actively bleeding?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Where is it located?”

    Caller: “On his tummy.”

    Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash or an abrasion?”

    Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.”

    Me: “That’s his p****.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    Source


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