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    They’re Not Zits, But They Rhyme With Them

    | South Carolina, USA | Top

    (Customer walks up to front desk in waiting room area and places kitty carrier on desk.)

    Me: “Hi, do you need an appointment?”

    Customer: “Uh. No. I just need some acne cream for cats.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: *pulls cat out of carrier and sets on desk* “See? She has acne on her belly.”

    Me: “Those aren’t acne. Those are nipples.”

    A Lack Of Common Scents

    | Richland, WA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [clinic], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to descent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats‚Äô food and we decided to keep him.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

    Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

    Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it‚Äôs a cat?”

    Customer: “Well, yes.”

    Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Black and white.”

    Me: “What do his markings look like?”

    Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

    Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*

    Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

    | United Kingdom | Top

    (My husband works for the out of hours service and drives/assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At 2 am, the phone rings.)

    Me: “Uh, hello?”

    Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

    Me: “No problem, put him on.”

    Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

    Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

    Doctor: “The pills are round, white and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

    Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

    (This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

    Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here, do you understand that? MY JOB, I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver what would you know anyway you are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals nobody would give a s**t what you say you ignorant cow!”

    Me: “It’s an aspirin…spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

    Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

    And Here’s To You, Fido Robinson

    | Mountain View, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, Mrs. ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!”

    Me: “Well, that’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.”

    Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!”

    Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.”

    Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!”

    Me:” No…I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.”

    Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?”

    Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.”

    Customer: “Then black out the name on the paper so nobody thinks I am married to him!”

    Ah, The Wonders Of Osmosis

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer comes in to discuss care of his elderly, very ill cat. We talk about keeping the cat warm and hydrated.)

    Customer: “So, I have this idea…I thought that if I put the cat in a bath, she’d stay warm and not be thirsty.”

    Me: “Well sir, I don’t think that that would be a good idea. She’ll get cold once you take her out of the bath. Also, putting her in water isn’t going to help her stay hydrated.”

    Customer: “You mean that if I’m thirsty and I take a bath, I’ll still be thirsty when I get out?”

    Me: “Yes, that is what I’m saying.”

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