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    And Here’s To You, Fido Robinson

    | Mountain View, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, Mrs. ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m very upset because you have my dog’s name before my last name here on this check-in sheet!”

    Me: “Well, that’s because we print out the pet’s first name and your last name so we know who the pet belongs to.”

    Customer: “But this is horrible! It is though you are saying I am married to my dog! I’m not into bestiality!”

    Me: “No, it is more that we are trying to say that you are like the pet’s parent.”

    Customer: “You are saying that I gave birth to a dog?!”

    Me:” No…I’m really sorry, but the computer prints out the pet’s first and the owner’s last name. It is part of the system and I cannot change it.”

    Customer: “It’s the computer’s fault?”

    Me: “Yes. I am so sorry, but I cannot change the program. It does this for every pet.”

    Customer: “Then black out the name on the paper so nobody thinks I am married to him!”

    Ah, The Wonders Of Osmosis

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer comes in to discuss care of his elderly, very ill cat. We talk about keeping the cat warm and hydrated.)

    Customer: “So, I have this idea…I thought that if I put the cat in a bath, she’d stay warm and not be thirsty.”

    Me: “Well sir, I don’t think that that would be a good idea. She’ll get cold once you take her out of the bath. Also, putting her in water isn’t going to help her stay hydrated.”

    Customer: “You mean that if I’m thirsty and I take a bath, I’ll still be thirsty when I get out?”

    Me: “Yes, that is what I’m saying.”

    Going Bananas

    | Oildale, CA, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

    Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

    Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class, that will–”

    Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his ball off!?”

    Me: “Well…”

    Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

    (Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

    Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

    Veterinarian: “Now, Sarah, I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Veterinarian: “Well lets not have this happen again…” *turns back to customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we did, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

    Customer: *storms out*

    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

    | Carbondale, IL, USA |

    Me: “Animal hospital, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

    Me: “… what, sir?”

    Caller: “Prostitute dogs, do you have them there?”

    Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

    Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

    Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

    Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

    Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

    Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

    Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “That’s bull***t. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

    The Devil Is In The De-Tails

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make an appointment for a dismemberment.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want to bring in my dog for a dismemberment!”

    Me: “Oh! You must mean a distemper shot.”

    Customer: “Yes! Now, when can I get my dog dismembered?”


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