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    Nip-Picking

    | Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

    Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

    Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

    Me: “Ok, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

    (Customer lifts up the dog to show me it’s belly.)

    Customer: “See! These!”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”

    Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

    Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

    Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

    Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

    Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*

    You’ve Got To Be Kitten

    | Newburgh, IN, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A caller says she’s found a kitten and is getting information on our services.)

    Me: “…we also recommend spaying or neutering the kitten. This can be done around 4-6 months of age.”

    Caller: “What would the cost be for that?”

    Me: “A spay surgery runs about $100, and a neuter runs a little cheaper, around $70.  The spay is a bit more expensive because it’s more invasive and takes more time to do.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. I would definitely do the neuter since it’s cheaper.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the surgery depends on the kitten’s gender. If it’s a female, it’ll be a spay, and if it’s a male, it’ll be a neuter.”

    Caller: “Why the difference?”

    Not All Customers Are Bona-Fido

    | USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “[Doctor's] office, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, there! I was wondering if I could get an appointment for today?”

    Me: “Most likely. What type of animal do you have?”

    Customer: *noticeable pause* “I have a dog. I just need the shots to go overseas.”

    Me: “How exciting! When are you traveling?”

    Customer: “Tomorrow. I tried to get an appointment at the other doctor, but he couldn’t fit me in.”

    Me: “Well, just for a vaccination, I think we can manage that around four p.m. today. Do you happen to know what shots your dog needs?”

    Customer: “My dog?”

    Me: “Yes…to go abroad.”

    Customer: “Why would I give shots to my dog? He’s staying here. I need shots for my wife and me.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a veterinarian’s office. We treat animals here.”

    Customer: “But my flight’s tomorrow! Can’t you make an exception?”

    Me: “Sir, that would be highly illegal. And we only carry shots designed for dogs. We don’t have the type you’d need.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’m going to report you to the state!” *click*

    (The phone rings a moment later.)

    Me: “[Doctor's] office, how can I help you today?”

    Same Customer: “Um…my wife wants to know if you have dog boarding.”

    Hang Ups Over Children

    | Fremont, CA, USA | Family & Kids

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds around 4 years old. )

    Caller: “Hello, is Aunt Betty there?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, would you mind repeating that?”

    Caller: “Can I speak to Aunt Betty?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Oh, Okay.”

    Me: “Bye!”

    (I hang up. 10 seconds later, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Vet Clinic], how can I help you today?”

    Caller 2: “My niece just called here and must have got the wrong number.”

    Me: *chuckling* “Yes she thought-”

    Caller 2: “Well, next time don’t hang up on her!” *hangs up*

    Putting The Spa In Spay

    | Corona, CA, USA |

    (A customer brings in his dog for a spay.)

    Customer: “While she’s out, can you trim her nails? They’re getting real long.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. We give all patients under anesthesia a complimentary nail trim.”

    Customer: “Oh, you do? Would you give me a free pedicure, too?”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Customer: “How about a massage?”

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