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    You’ve Got To Be Kitten, Part 2

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [vet hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I found some kittens. I am trying to get them to eat. They are small and I don’t think they should be away from their mom.”

    Me: “Okay. Are you able to get some milk replacer from the store?”

    Customer: “Well, I bought some kitten food. They won’t eat it. I am trying to get my cat to nurse them.”

    Me: “Is your cat the mother of the kittens?”

    Customer: “No, but I am trying to get him to nurse them. How can I do that?”

    Me: “Him? Your cat is a male?”

    Customer: “Yes, but I thought cats would adopt kittens and raise them.”

    Me: “You want your male cat to nurse the kittens?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Here is the phone number for the local cat foster program. They will be happy to raise the kittens for you.”

    Related:
    You’ve Got To Be Kitten

    Remember Remember, Dismember Or Distemper

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet clinic]. How may I help you today?”

    Client: “My dog is due for it’s dismemberment shot.”

    Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

    Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

    Me: “Distemper.”

    Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

    Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

    Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”

    When Intelligence Is Tempered

    | OK, USA |

    (I am talking to a customer about vaccines for dogs.)

    Me: “The normal shots we give annually are distemper, parvo, rabies, and bordatella.”

    Customer: “Okay. I wanted to be sure the distemper shot was part of it. My dog needs that.”

    Me: “Okay. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”

    Customer: “Sure. Now, how long after the distemper shot will it take effect?”

    Me: “What do you mean, take effect?”

    Customer: “How long until my dog is nicer?”

    Must Have Lymphed Their Way Through Biology

    | St. John's, NL, Canada | Math & Science, Pets & Animals

    Me: “Okay, well I’d like to do some tests on your cat.”

    Client: “Which kind of tests, how does that work?”

    Me: “I’d like to do some blood-work. We take it just like a doctor would take human blood.”

    Client: “Cats have blood?!”

    Nip-Picking

    | Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

    Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

    Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

    Me: “Ok, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

    (Customer lifts up the dog to show me it’s belly.)

    Customer: “See! These!”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”

    Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

    Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

    Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

    Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

    Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*

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