Where Does The Fox Stay?

| England, UK | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

Client: “I’m 90 years old, and when I came downstairs this morning there was a cat and five kittens in my kitchen! What should I do? I can’t look after these kittens; I’m 90!”

Me: “Have you tried asking your neighbours if anyone recognises the cat?”

Client: “Yes, yes, I tried that.”

Me: “You could try phoning the [well known animal charity]?”

Client: “I’m not doing that!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you mind if I ask why not?”

Client: “I phoned them once because I had a fox come through my cat flap! They refused to come out and get it, so it ended up staying for three months!”

It’s A Dog-Gone Fact

| NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(Two techs have food poisoning today, so it is just me, a new girl, and the vet. We are in the middle of surgery when a very well-dressed customer and her blue heeler dog come in.)

Me: “Hi, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Nobody else is here, so you should help me now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am but we are in the middle of surgery and we are short-staffed today. So if you could please take a seat, I will help you when we are finished.”

Customer: “You are being rude! I am a paying customer!”

Me: “Okay then, ma’am. What is the problem today?”

Customer: “My dog is pregnant. I want to know how many puppies there are.”

Me: “Okay, and what is her name?”

Customer: “HIS!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “HIS name is Bandit.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but male dogs can’t get pregnant.”

Customer: “F*** YOU! YOU DONT KNOW S***!” *storms out*

Me: *sigh* “It’s only 9:30.”

Physician, Listen To Thyself

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

(We have a popular puppy preschool class that generally gets full two weeks prior. It also requires a deposit to secure your position. Most people pay when they book. It is one day before class start.)

Customer: “Hello, I am a surgeon and my time is precious so if you could hurry up and pay my deposit for puppy preschool.”

Me: “Sure, what was your name?”

Customer: *sigh* “I can’t believe I have to deal with this. I’m a surgeon and should be spoken to in proper English. It’s not “was your name”, it’s “is your name”.”

Me: “My apologies. What is your name? I will check your deposit paid on the list.”

Customer: “My name is [name], and hurry up! I just got off night shift at the hospital as I’m a pediatric surgeon.”

Me: “I see that you do have your name on the waiting list, but as the class is starting tomorrow the class has been filled as others have come in earlier to pay their deposits and secure their positions. I’m sorry, but there are no vacancies at this stage.”

Customer: “So, how much is the deposit?”

Me: “I’m sorry, again, but I can’t take your deposit as the class is full.”

Customer: “You just said that. Don’t repeat yourself. How much is the deposit? I booked the class three weeks ago.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry. The deposit is required to secure a position. Simply booking won’t secure your position. We usually explain this when you book in and recommend you pay a deposit at the time of booking.”

Customer: “Yes, you did recommend that, but I am a surgeon; my time is precious. I work long hours so I could not pay it then. I am here to pay today.”

Me: “We appreciate people may work long and difficult hours. We do have extended hours to make it easier for our clients. Our opening hours are 8 am – 8 pm, seven days a week, and if you are unable to come in, then we do take phone payments.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a surgeon and work longer than that and don’t get a break. So, you need to respect me and take my deposit.”

Me: “I am sorry. As I said the class is full and I cannot take your deposit. I can put you on a waiting list for our next class with a date TBA, but we don’t take deposits for future classes until dates are confirmed.”

Customer. “Stop repeating yourself! Take my deposit!” *slams credit card onto counter*

Me: “I am trying to explain that I can’t take your deposit as the class is full. I can’t fit you into that class, and paying your deposit will not get you in.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you keep repeating yourself. I am going to ring the puppy preschool trainer tomorrow.”

Me: “You are welcome to ring her, but she will still be unable to fit you in her class as it is full.”

Customer: “I am a surgeon. She knows this and has kept a position for me. Take my deposit so I can leave!”

Me: “I have been trying to explain the class is full. You cannot join this class.”

Customer: “Stupid dumb b****!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir. You can’t speak to me that way!”

Customer: “I am a surgeon!” *leaves*

Barking Up The Wrongest Tree

| San Jose, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I am a veterinary technician. I overhear an elderly client talking to the vet.)

Client: “Oh, Dr. [name], can I ask one more question?”

Vet: “Of course!”

(The client gestures to a picture on the wall of a Dalmatian, sitting amidst a bunch of white cats with small black spots.)

Client: “Is that possible?”

Vet: “If you mean the markings, I’ve never seen a cat with Dalmatian spots. If you mean the dog being able to sit with cats—”

Client: “No, no. Can the dog be the dad, and the cat the mom?”

Vet: “Only with the magic of photoshop.”

Man’s Best Friend, From Beginning To End

| Alamogordo, NM, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top

(A family has just had their old golden retriever euthanized, due to a mix of a bad heart and bone cancer. The whole family is pretty despondent, but the youngest, a little boy, is taking it the worst. While the family is waiting for the paperwork to get finished, one of our regulars—a young Air Force lieutenant—walks in. He quickly notices the group, and approaches the desk.)

Lieutenant: “Did they just have to put someone down?”

(I nod. The lieutenant sits down right next to the boy, who is near tears.)

Lieutenant: “You okay, little guy?”

(The boy nods.)

Lieutenant: “Did you lose someone you care about?”

Boy: “Uh huh…”

Lieutenant: “Do you miss him?”

Boy: “Uh huh…”

Lieutenant: “Did you make every day of his life worth living?”

Boy: “Huh?”

Lieutenant: “I lost my little brother to cancer a few years back, and it tore me up. Had I done everything I could? What if I had done this or that differently? I just didn’t know, and it ate me up inside. Then they read us his will. It said, “I thank you, all of you, for making what borrowed time on Earth I had worth it, down to the second. That is all I could have asked for; know that should this cancer take me before I pen this will again, I loved each of you like no other family can, and going out with a smile worth smiling is the best way to go”.”

(The whole family is listening at this point, and the boy is completely enraptured. The lieutenant, lost in his recounting for a moment, looks back at the child.)

Lieutenant: “So, if you did your best—your VERY BEST—to make every day of his life worth living; I’m sure from wherever he is now, he’s looking back on your time together and smiling.”

(The boy runs out of his chair, up to the lieutenant, and gives him a hug. He lets loose all the tears he was fighting back. The father tries to remove the child from his iron-gripped hug, but the lieutenant stops him.)

Lieutenant: *to the father* “It really is no trouble at all…”

(As for the boy, he eventually the he cried himself to sleep in the lieutenant’s lap.)

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