(I am talking to a customer about vaccines for dogs.)

Me: “The normal shots we give annually are distemper, parvo, rabies, and bordatella.”

Customer: “Okay. I wanted to be sure the distemper shot was part of it. My dog needs that.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”

Customer: “Sure. Now, how long after the distemper shot will it take effect?”

Me: “What do you mean, take effect?”

Customer: “How long until my dog is nicer?”

Me: “Okay, well I’d like to do some tests on your cat.”

Client: “Which kind of tests, how does that work?”

Me: “I’d like to do some blood-work. We take it just like a doctor would take human blood.”

Client: “Cats have blood?!”

(A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

Me: “Ok, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

(Customer lifts up the dog to show me it’s belly.)

Customer: “See! These!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs, they are his nipples.”

Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male, how does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

Customer: “Get the vet, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well s***!” *walks out*

(A caller says she’s found a kitten and is getting information on our services.)

Me: “…we also recommend spaying or neutering the kitten. This can be done around 4-6 months of age.”

Caller: “What would the cost be for that?”

Me: “A spay surgery runs about $100, and a neuter runs a little cheaper, around $70.  The spay is a bit more expensive because it’s more invasive and takes more time to do.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. I would definitely do the neuter since it’s cheaper.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the surgery depends on the kitten’s gender. If it’s a female, it’ll be a spay, and if it’s a male, it’ll be a neuter.”

Caller: “Why the difference?”

Me: “[Doctor's] office, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, there! I was wondering if I could get an appointment for today?”

Me: “Most likely. What type of animal do you have?”

Customer: *noticeable pause* “I have a dog. I just need the shots to go overseas.”

Me: “How exciting! When are you traveling?”

Customer: “Tomorrow. I tried to get an appointment at the other doctor, but he couldn’t fit me in.”

Me: “Well, just for a vaccination, I think we can manage that around four p.m. today. Do you happen to know what shots your dog needs?”

Customer: “My dog?”

Me: “Yes…to go abroad.”

Customer: “Why would I give shots to my dog? He’s staying here. I need shots for my wife and me.”

Me: “Sir, this is a veterinarian’s office. We treat animals here.”

Customer: “But my flight’s tomorrow! Can’t you make an exception?”

Me: “Sir, that would be highly illegal. And we only carry shots designed for dogs. We don’t have the type you’d need.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m going to report you to the state!” *click*

(The phone rings a moment later.)

Me: “[Doctor's] office, how can I help you today?”

Same Customer: “Um…my wife wants to know if you have dog boarding.”