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    Gonna Bay For It Now

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work as a receptionist for a vet clinic. When people are thinking about adding an animal to their life, we always recommend they do a lot of research into the breed, so they can choose the pet that’s best for them, both for their sakes and the pets. One morning, a woman calls in, frantic.)

    Client: “I have to see a vet as soon as possible. I think there’s something horribly wrong with my beagle puppy!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m pencilling you in. Can I ask, what are his symptoms?”

    Client: “I’m not sure exactly, but he’s running around the house making this horrible sound, like he’s in pain. I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “Alright, well just take a deep breath. Can you get a good look at him? Does he have any injuries, or any other symptoms? Is he vomiting?”

    Client: “No, he’s just making this awful sound! I think he’s-” *she’s interrupted by the ‘horrible’ sound* “There! That’s what he’s been doing all morning!”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, how old is your beagle?”

    Client: “Six months, why?”

    Me: “Ah. Well, it sounds to me like he’s baying.”

    Client: “What’s that? Is it serious?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Baying is a distinctive type of howl that hunting dogs make. When hunting breeds reach a certain age, their voice drops, the same way a human’s does, and they begin to bay when they’re excited. It sounds like your puppy just found his bay.”

    Client: “But he’s not a hunting dog! I don’t even hunt!”

    Me: “Beagles are a hunting breed, ma’am. They have been used to hunt for centuries. Baying is instinctive.”

    Client: “Well, make him stop!”

    Me: “I… what?”

    Client: “Make him stop making that noise, it’s terrible!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t… make him stop. He’s doing what he’s bred to do. It sounds like he’s just excited with the new noise he can make and he’s showing it off. He’ll probably use it less once the newness has worn off.”

    Client: “Less?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Client: “But…” *pause* “He’s going to do this forever?”

    Me: “Welcome to owning a beagle, ma’am.”

    Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

    | CA, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (Our clinic has an animal hotel which backs out onto the alley behind. The back entrance is for employees and for taking dogs out for walks, and so only has a small sign to indicate it is an animal clinic. It is otherwise an anonymous-looking building, in an alleyway that looks like several others behind our neighboring strip malls. One such alleyway contains a medical marijuana clinic. It is 8 am on a Sunday. A stranger in his early twenties approaches me as I am taking a dog out for his morning business. I am in my scrubs, and so on the street I am sometimes mistaken for a nurse.)

    Stranger: “Hey, you work here?”

    Me: “Yep, I’m new.”

    Stranger: “Okay, cool. They let you bring your dog to work with you?”

    Me: “No, this is one of our boarders. Can I help you with something?”

    Stranger: “They shouldn’t let you keep dogs in there! What if they ate your stock?”

    Me: “I assure you, the pharmacy is kept well away from them. Did you need something?”

    Stranger: “Yeah, just a dime.”

    Me: *blankly* “I don’t have my wallet with me, I’m sorry.”

    Stranger: *also blankly* “No, I mean… could you let me into the building so I can get it?”

    Me: *thinking he is joking, I laugh* “The clinic is technically closed, sorry. Besides, I don’t think I want you going through my stuff!”

    Stranger: “I don’t get it! My friends said you guys are super helpful! I just want to buy a dime!”

    (At this point, I finally putting the pieces together.)

    Me: “Ah, actually… we aren’t that kind of clinic. That one is the next alley up, but I’m pretty sure they’re closed at this time of day. We’re an animal clinic.”

    Stranger: “S***! Sorry to bother you!”

    (The stranger starts to leave in the direction he came from, but then turns around and goes the way I pointed and laughs.)

    Stranger: “Yeah… I might be a little high.”

    Related:
    Went To The Wrong Joint

    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me, Part 2

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (A young woman comes in to our vet with her fairly large house cat. The cat is upset, so the young woman takes him out of the box and begins cradling him like an infant. The cat seems much happier and is purring so loudly I can hear him several feet away. When the vet calls her, she switches the cat to her hip like a baby and moves to carry him into the office. Suddenly, another customer yells out.)

    Other Customer: “OH MY GOD! I thought you had a baby! You can’t carry a cat like that!”

    Young Woman: *looks at her still purring cat* “He doesn’t seem to mind.”

    Other Customer: “But that’s how you’re supposed to hold babies! You can’t hold a cat how you’re supposed to hold a baby!”

    Vet: “Ma’am, it really isn’t bad to hold him like that as long as it doesn’t upset him. And the cat is purring. He seems quite comfortable, so I don’t see a problem with it.”

    Other Customer: *to everyone else in the lobby* “Someone back me up here. She can’t hold her cat like that!”

    Me: “Why, because you don’t like it?”

    Cat: “Meow?”

    Related:
    You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me

    Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

    | Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

    Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

    Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

    Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

    Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

    Business Cat Like A Boss

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (Note: We are a very small vet clinic and have no office manager. We do have a clinic cat which stays at the counter during the day and he has been jokingly called our office manager.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Good afternoon! I’d like to make an appointment today for my dog’s vaccines.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re completely booked for today. We’re looking at some time late this week or early next week.”

    (Suddenly, the heretofore nice caller goes completely ballistic. He starts screaming at the top of his lungs.)

    Caller: “LISTEN, I WANT AN APPOINTMENT NOW! How dare you talk to me in that tone! You make me an appointment for today, right now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re booked for today.”

    Caller: “You are such a liar! I have never been treated like this before! You are the most rude person I have EVER talked to! I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED. I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR OFFICE MANAGER, RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “We don’t have an office manager here, sir. I can have you speak to the owner, though.”

    Caller: “Don’t you lie to me! I’LL HAVE YOUR A** FIRED. PUT ME ON RIGHT NOW!”

    (This goes on for a few minutes. I try to calm him down and have him speak to the owner, but he keeps screaming. I look up to see our clinic cat watching me and I get an idea.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re right. We do have an office manager, but he wasn’t in yet so I had to tell you we didn’t have one.”

    (He keeps ranting, and I put the phone near our cat. Note that he’s yelling loud enough for me to hear. The man continues to scream over the phone for a couple minutes before he pauses.)

    Caller: “You’re going to tell that to your employee, right?!”

    Clinic Cat: “Meow?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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