(I am a vet assistant helping a woman who has brought in a small, very hyper dog. I lift the dog up on the table and it starts jumping all over the place.)

Me: *jokingly* “It must be part kangaroo!”

Woman: *very pointedly* “It’s. A. Dog.”

Me: *speechless*

(I’m a customer at the vet with my cat. Another customer walks in with a large dog.)

Receptionist: “Good morning! Do you have an appointment?”

Customer: “No, I just need to see the vet for vaccinations.”

Receptionist: “I’ll let him know you’re in, but you will have to wait. We have another patient with an appointment waiting.”

Customer: *looks at my cat* “But it’s just some cat! My dog is a pure breed and it cost 1000 euros!”

Me: “And your point is?”

Customer: “I’m in a hurry! Can’t you just wait a bit longer? Your cat isn’t a pure breed.”

Me: “Yes, but she has an appointment and your purebred dog doesn’t.”

(At this point, the vet comes in and asks me to bring my cat. As I walk in the exam room, I can hear the customer complaining.)

Customer: “No self-respecting vet would make a pure breed wait!”

(My boss, the groomer, does a thing called “stripping”, which is basically plucking the hairs off the body of a wiry-haired dog with a special brush. My coworker answers the phone and I’m right there listening to the conversation. It’s a man who owns an Irish Terrier.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to speak to your stripper!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I need to make an appointment with your stripper!”

Coworker: “Um, do you mean our groomer?”

Customer: “I don’t know what you’re saying. I need the stripper to strip my Irish dog!”

Coworker: “All right. I’m just gonna put you on hold so I can put the…stripper…on the line.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [vet hospital]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I found some kittens. I am trying to get them to eat. They are small and I don’t think they should be away from their mom.”

Me: “Okay. Are you able to get some milk replacer from the store?”

Customer: “Well, I bought some kitten food. They won’t eat it. I am trying to get my cat to nurse them.”

Me: “Is your cat the mother of the kittens?”

Customer: “No, but I am trying to get him to nurse them. How can I do that?”

Me: “Him? Your cat is a male?”

Customer: “Yes, but I thought cats would adopt kittens and raise them.”

Me: “You want your male cat to nurse the kittens?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Here is the phone number for the local cat foster program. They will be happy to raise the kittens for you.”

Related:
You’ve Got To Be Kitten

Me: “Thank you for calling [pet clinic]. How may I help you today?”

Client: “My dog is due for it’s dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper? We can set up an appointment for that.”

Client: “Yes, dismemberment. I need my dog to get his dismemberment shot.”

Me: “Distemper.”

Client: “How much is the dismemberment shot?”

Me: “The distemper vaccine is [vaccine]. Would you like to set up an appointment for your dog to receive the distemper vaccine?”

Client: “Yes, please. I would like you to dismember my dog.”