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    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [travel agency].”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m a senior, and a disabled veteran.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you for your service, sir. Are you looking to book a plane ticket?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I want a ticket to Honolulu. I’m a disabled veteran of the U.S. Army.”

    Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

    Customer: “Well, whenever my Visa arrives.”

    Me: “Visa?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Sir, you are a U.S. Citizen, aren’t you?”

    Customer: “Yup.”

    Me: “Hawaii is in the United States, sir. You don’t need a passport or visa to get there if you’re a U.S. citizen.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s new!”

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

    Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

    | Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

    Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

    Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

    Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

    Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

    Do Not Doubt The Credibility Of The Map

    | Alaska, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Travel, this is ****, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

    Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

    Me: “I’m sorry.”

    My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

    Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

    Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

    Me: “Er…ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”


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