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    On Shaky Ground With This One

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (This happened shortly after a large, widely reported earthquake in Hawaii.)

    Me: “How can I be of assistance today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m interested in traveling to the Big Island in Hawaii.”

    Me: “Okay, and do you know which dates you want to travel on?”

    Customer: “Oh. Um, well…when does earthquake season end?”

    Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

    | Ketchikan, AK, USA |

    Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

    Me: “Alright, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

    Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

    Me: “Uh…you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [travel agency].”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m a senior, and a disabled veteran.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you for your service, sir. Are you looking to book a plane ticket?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I want a ticket to Honolulu. I’m a disabled veteran of the U.S. Army.”

    Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

    Customer: “Well, whenever my Visa arrives.”

    Me: “Visa?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Sir, you are a U.S. Citizen, aren’t you?”

    Customer: “Yup.”

    Me: “Hawaii is in the United States, sir. You don’t need a passport or visa to get there if you’re a U.S. citizen.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s new!”

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

    Eternal D**nation, Pleasant Atmosphere

    | Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada | Top

    (I’m the manager of a customer service department, and this guy had been hassling our representative for 10 minutes, so I jumped on the call.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, **** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen sweetie, I just want the phone number for **** company.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I just want the number for **** company, so you can go ahead and give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot give out the phone numbers of our suppliers. Our customer service department is not supplied with them, as we cannot give them out. Just as we would not give out your phone number, we cannot give out theirs.”

    Customer: “You’re lying to me. Give me the number! I work for a multi-billion dollar corporation, and we give out phone numbers all the time.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Maybe you could look it up online.”

    Customer: “Just let me speak to your secretary; she’ll give it to me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have one. Even if we did, she couldn’t help you.”

    Customer: “You’re a liar! Do you got to church?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’re a liar, and you’re going to burn in H***.”

    Me: “You know what? I’m OK with that.”

    Customer: “What?! You’re going to burn in H***!”

    Me: “Well, as long as H*** is somewhere you’re not going to be, I’m still fine with that.”

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