• A Pain In The Nugget
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    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Geography

    Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [travel agency]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need to get to Hawaii by Saturday.”

    Me: “Okay, let me just see what flights are available.”

    Caller: “Flights? As in flying? No way! I am terrified of flying! Can you look up some train tickets for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, Hawaii is in the middle of Pacific Ocean. There is no train service to Hawaii.”

    Caller: “What? Hawaii is part of the United States, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. It is.”

    Caller: “Then how can it be in the middle of the Ocean? Fine then, what about taking a boat?”

    Me: ”Ma’am, there are cruise services to Hawaii, but I can assure you that the only way you are going to get to Hawaii by Saturday is by flying.”

    Caller: “Well, what about those speed boats that drug users use from Cuba?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, those boats don’t have the ability to cross the ocean, and Cuba is only 90 miles from the United States.”

    Caller: “90 miles? Sonny boy, Cuba is out in the middle of the ocean. Haven’t you ever looked at a map?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Forget it, I’ll just call another travel agency that knows their history.”

    Me: “Do you mean geography?”

    Caller: *click*

    On Shaky Ground With This One

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (This happened shortly after a large, widely reported earthquake in Hawaii.)

    Me: “How can I be of assistance today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m interested in traveling to the Big Island in Hawaii.”

    Me: “Okay, and do you know which dates you want to travel on?”

    Customer: “Oh. Um, well…when does earthquake season end?”

    Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

    | Ketchikan, AK, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

    Me: “Alright, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

    Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

    Me: “Uh…you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for calling [travel agency].”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m a senior, and a disabled veteran.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you for your service, sir. Are you looking to book a plane ticket?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I want a ticket to Honolulu. I’m a disabled veteran of the U.S. Army.”

    Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

    Customer: “Well, whenever my Visa arrives.”

    Me: “Visa?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Sir, you are a U.S. Citizen, aren’t you?”

    Customer: “Yup.”

    Me: “Hawaii is in the United States, sir. You don’t need a passport or visa to get there if you’re a U.S. citizen.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s new!”

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

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