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    Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

    | London, UK |

    (Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

    1st Tourist: “Where are we going?”

    2nd Tourist: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”

    Shogun The Way To Go Home

    | Tokyo, Japan | Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (I work at the local train station. Having spent half my life living in Los Angeles, and the other living in Tokyo, I speak both English and Japanese. The other station masters tend to bring tourists to me, since their English isn’t as good as mine. A tourist approaches me and speaks loudly, slowly, and with very large hand gestures)

    Tourist: “I’m trying to get to [station]! Can you help me?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I actually grew up in Los Angeles, so I can speak English.”

    Tourist: *still speaking in the same way* “No, I’m not from Los Angeles! I’m trying to get to [station]!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I just meant that I spent a lot of time in Los Angeles.”

    Tourist: “No! Not Los Angeles! [Station]!”

    (The woman’s husband, hearing his wife shouting, joins us.)

    Tourist’s Husband: *to his wife* “What’s going on?”

    Tourist: “This dumb guy keeps asking if we’re from Los Angeles!”

    Tourist’s Husband: “Why would he think that?”

    Tourist: “I don’t know!”

    Tourist’s Husband: *to me, speaking clearly, but not extremely slowly* “We’re trying to get to [station].”

    (I provide directions to the station.)

    Tourist’s Husband: “You speak English very well!”

    Me: “Thank you sir. As I tried to explain to your wife, I grew up in Los Angeles, so I speak English.”

    Tourist’s Husband: *sighs* “I’m sorry you had to put up with her. Thanks for the directions.”

    (As they are walking away, I hear the woman proudly tell her husband, “I told you those Japanese lessons we took would pay off!”)

    They’ll Never Survive Welsh

    | Manchester, UK | Funny Names, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (A tourist is in line to get a ticket.)

    Tourist: “Can I have a ticket to Loogahgbaroogah?”

    Me: “Sorry, where?”

    Tourist: “Loogahbaroogah.”

    Me: Sir, there is no rail station in the UK called Loogahbaroogah.”

    Tourist: “But…”

    Me: “Did you mean Loughbrough?” (It’s pronounced ‘Luffbruh’)

    (The tourist gets his ticket and walks off, followed by the next customer in line.)

    Next Customer: “It’s a good job he didn’t want my ticket. Return to Llanelli, please.”

    The Cutter Gets Queued

    | London, UK |

    (I work at a cookie store in a train station and am serving a customer; there are a few people waiting behind him. Suddenly, a man comes and pushes in front.)

    Customer: “Five white chocolates!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have to finish serving these people first. Only then I will serve you.”

    Customer: “But I have to catch a train!”

    Me: “So does everybody else… this is a bloody TRAIN STATION!”

    Customer: *looks a bit scared, nods his head and goes to the back of the queue like a good boy*

    Murphy’s Law And Customers: Do Not Mix

    | Newcastle, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

    Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

    Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

    Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

    Customer: “Oh my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

    Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

    Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

    Me, giving up: “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

    Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

    (Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

    Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE ****ING LATE!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

    Customer: *rants abusively*

    Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

    Customer: *storms out*

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