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    Not As Easy As A-B-C

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Musical Mayhem

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have a question about this tin radio.”

    Me: “Sure! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, it says it plays the ABC song, but it doesn’t.”

    Me: “Oh, you just have to turn this knob and it plays until it winds down.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but it doesn’t play the ABC Song! It plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

    Me: “Well, they’re the same melody. See?” *sings the first line of both songs*

    Customer: “No, listen!”

    (She winds up the radio enough for it to play the whole song; there are a few embellishments towards the end.)

    Customer: “See?! That’s not how the ABC song goes!”

    Customer’s Husband: “Maybe they just play it differently.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not the way I sing it!”

    They Are Not The Toys You Are Looking For

    | St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (A woman calls into the store. She’s speaking very quietly and I have to ask her several times to repeat herself. Finally I make out something.)

    Woman: “Do you sell vibrators?”

    Me: *pause* “Um, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you again to repeat what you said. I really don’t think we sell what I think you said.”

    Woman: “Vibrators.”

    Me: “No. No, we don’t.”

    Woman: “Isn’t this The Love Shop?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, this is Toys-R-Us.”

    They Are Not The Balls You Are Looking For

    Future Budget Oversight Leaders Of America

    | USA | Family & Kids

    (I overhear a little boy around five years old asking his mother for lots of expensive toys.)

    Mother: “We can’t afford six. Just pick one and put the rest back.”

    Boy: “Just tell daddy to stop drinking beer this month!”

    Not Quite As Provocative As I Recall

    | Syracuse, NY | Holidays

    (It is 6:00 AM on Black Friday. There is a queue waiting to come into the store as soon as I lift the gate. Once the gate goes up, the crowd surges into the store. Immediately, a customer pushes his way through the crowd and begins shouting to me.)

    Customer: *shouting* “Where are your ‘Touch Me, Big Guy’ toys?!”

    (Overhearing this, everyone in earshot goes silent.)

    Me: “Um, I don’t think we carry that toy.”

    Customer: “Of course you do! It is really popular this year! You rub and squeeze the toy’s stomach and it giggles in happiness! You know ‘Touch me, Big Guy’!”

    Me: “You don’t mean ‘Tickle Me Elmo’, do you?”

    Customer: “Is that what it is called?”

    (The crowd begins making noise again.)

    Customer: “I suppose you might be wondering what Christmas is like at my house.”

    Me: “No, sir, not in the slightest.”

    Age Is But A Number, Part 2

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “I need to return this.”

    Me: “I see that it’s been open and even played with. Mind if I ask what was wrong?”

    Customer: “My son says it’s too difficult to play with.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but once again, this is clearly used, as it’s showing signs of wear. I’m afraid I can’t give you a refund.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. We have no use for this anymore! My son can’t play with it! It’s too difficult for him! Give me my money back!”

    Me: “Well sir, the packaging for this toy does say it’s for ‘Ages 14 and Up’. How old is your son, anyway?”

    Customer: “26.”

    Age Is But A Number

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