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    She’s Free Years Old

    | Aberdeen, Scotland, UK | Family & Kids

    Customer: “Hi, how old to children have to be ’til they have to pay admission?”

    Me: “Four years old. Three and under are free.”

    Customer: “One adult and one three year old, then.”

    Daughter: “But daddy, I’m four now.”

    Customer: “In a minute, darling.”

    Daughter: “Daddy, I’m four!”

    More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7

    , | Oregon, USA | Holidays, Top

    (I am a vampire at a haunted house. My costume includes fangs, a cape, and of course, I am drenched in blood.)

    Teenage girl: *looking extremely mad* “What is this?! They got your costumes all wrong!”

    Me: *snarling, not dropping character* “You smell delicious…it’s so rare we get fresh victims…”

    Teenage girls: “No, no, no! Vampires drink ANIMAL blood! And why aren’t you sparkling?!”

    Me: “Your neck…it’s so…inviting—”

    Teenage girl: “This is WRONG! You aren’t real vampires!” *stomps away*

    Related:
    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 6
    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 5
    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 4
    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 3
    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2
    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    They Sneak Up On Ya

    | Prince Rupert, BC, Canada | Tourists/Travel

    Customer: “Hey, are there any Indian attacks on this village?”

    Me: *taken aback* “Um. No. No, there are not.”

    Customer: “Well, what about the sign?”

    Me: “What sign?”

    Customer: “The sign that says ‘Watch Out For Ava-LAN-cheez’.”

    (From his pronunciation, it’s clear what he’s actually referring to are Apaches, not avalanches.)

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Um, no…they never attack our small village anymore.”

    Don’t Even Bother With New England

    | New Mexico, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I manage a tourist center that welcomes people coming into New Mexico. An obviously American tourist comes into the center.)

    Tourist: *in broken Spanish* “Excuse me! I think you all forgot something.”

    Me: *in English* “Yes, how can I help you?”

    Tourist: *more broken Spanish* “Nobody was checking for
    passports when we crossed the border here.”

    Me: “Passports?”

    Tourist: “We are in Mexico now, after all.”

    Me: “This is New Mexico, sir. You don’t need a passport to–”

    Tourist: “What’s to stop illegal immigrants from coming into the United States if they don’t check our passports coming into New Mexico?”

    Me: “Sir, New Mexico is part of the United States.”

    Tourist: “Now you’re just lying to me.”

    Does Mother Nature Have A Permit

    , | Harpers Ferry, WV, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (We are whitewater rafting in West Virginia. While floating between rapids, a girl in her mid-20s from a large city in Virginia, randomly starts asking me questions.)

    Customer: “Man! There are a lot of trees here. Why are there so many trees? Can’t you take some of them out?”

    Me: “Um, okay. Why do we need to take the trees out?”

    Customer: “Well, I thought trees had to be at least 20 feet apart!”

    (It’s obvious she’s a city girl, so I decide to have a little fun.)

    Me: “Oh, well let me explain. You see, over in Virginia, they plowed down the forest, built your parking lot, and then planted a couple trees to try and make it look pretty. Here in West Virginia, the trees naturally grew this way and we decided to leave them because we like oxygen.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, trees are ugly.”

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