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    They Sneak Up On Ya

    | Prince Rupert, BC, Canada | Tourists/Travel

    Customer: “Hey, are there any Indian attacks on this village?”

    Me: *taken aback* “Um. No. No, there are not.”

    Customer: “Well, what about the sign?”

    Me: “What sign?”

    Customer: “The sign that says ‘Watch Out For Ava-LAN-cheez’.”

    (From his pronunciation, it’s clear what he’s actually referring to are Apaches, not avalanches.)

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Um, no…they never attack our small village anymore.”

    Don’t Even Bother With New England

    | New Mexico, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I manage a tourist center that welcomes people coming into New Mexico. An obviously American tourist comes into the center.)

    Tourist: *in broken Spanish* “Excuse me! I think you all forgot something.”

    Me: *in English* “Yes, how can I help you?”

    Tourist: *more broken Spanish* “Nobody was checking for
    passports when we crossed the border here.”

    Me: “Passports?”

    Tourist: “We are in Mexico now, after all.”

    Me: “This is New Mexico, sir. You don’t need a passport to–”

    Tourist: “What’s to stop illegal immigrants from coming into the United States if they don’t check our passports coming into New Mexico?”

    Me: “Sir, New Mexico is part of the United States.”

    Tourist: “Now you’re just lying to me.”

    Does Mother Nature Have A Permit

    , | Harpers Ferry, WV, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (We are whitewater rafting in West Virginia. While floating between rapids, a girl in her mid-20s from a large city in Virginia, randomly starts asking me questions.)

    Customer: “Man! There are a lot of trees here. Why are there so many trees? Can’t you take some of them out?”

    Me: “Um, okay. Why do we need to take the trees out?”

    Customer: “Well, I thought trees had to be at least 20 feet apart!”

    (It’s obvious she’s a city girl, so I decide to have a little fun.)

    Me: “Oh, well let me explain. You see, over in Virginia, they plowed down the forest, built your parking lot, and then planted a couple trees to try and make it look pretty. Here in West Virginia, the trees naturally grew this way and we decided to leave them because we like oxygen.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, trees are ugly.”

    The Great State Of Ignorance

    | Texas, USA | Tourists/Travel

    (I am a cave tour guide. I’m talking about one of the cave’s rooms when a tourist raises her hand.)

    Tourist: “Where are we right now?”

    Me: “I believe we are north of where we came in, ma’am, but I can’t be sure because of all the twists and turns down here.”

    Tourist: “No, no, I want to know where we are right now!”

    Me: *confused as to what she wants* “Um, near the highway? We’re in [city]?”

    Tourist: “No! What state are we in?”

    (The entire group stares in amazement.)

    Me: “We are in Texas, ma’am.”

    Tourist: “Good. I thought we were in South Dakota or some s*** like that! Carry on.”

    Tall Tales Vs. Turning Tail

    | Florida, USA |

    (I work at a visitor’s center on a refuge, which is by a large pond. As this is Florida, we naturally have alligators. A visitor approaches the help desk.)

    Visitor: “You have a fake alligator outside!”

    Coworker: “No, sir. It’s real.”

    Visitor: “There’s no way that’s real!”

    Coworker: “Sir, all our gators are real.”

    Visitor: “I’ll prove it!”

    (My coworker follows the visitor outside. Suddenly, the visitor goes up to an alligator resting along the side of the pond and grabs it by the tail.)

    Alligator: *dives into the water*

    Visitor: *face goes white*


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