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  • April Theme Of The Month: Losing My Religion!

    A Giant Wave Of Ignorance

    | Seward, AK, USA | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (We do glacier and whale watching cruises. On this day, there has been a tsunami alert, although it later turned out to be a false alarm. The alarm horns are sounding all over the waterfront.)

    Me: “This is the tsunami warning system. I need everyone to drop what you’re doing and evacuate uphill to the high school. There are evacuation route signs posted under the street signs.”

    Customer: “Can you explain this tour to me?”

    Me: “Sir, we are evacuating.”

    Customer: “Can I just wait by the docks until you all come back?”

    Me: “There is a tsunami alarm sounding. You need to get to high ground.”

    Customer: “But, when the tsunami is over, will you be running more tours?”

    One More ‘One More’

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers

    (The FAQ on our event website states that the maximum group size is 10.)

    Customer: “What is the maximum group size?”

    Me: “10.”

    Customer: “We have a group of 11; can you make an exception just this once?”

    Me: “We will do our best to accommodate your group, but I can’t make guarantees.”

    Customer: “So is that a yes?”

    Me: “We will do our best. I don’t see it being a problem.

    Customer: “Okay, great. And actually, we have 12 in our group, but what’s one more?”

    They’re Behind The ‘Shall Not Pass’ Signs

    | Jewel Cave, SD, USA | Geeks Rule, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

    (We are on a group tour through caves, 200-300 feet underground. There are metal stairs and viewing platforms along the path. At each platform, a park ranger will describe what we are seeing, talk about the cave’s exploration history, and answer any questions. One question comes from a young teen girl on the tour. )

    Girl: “Are there balrogs in these caves?”

    Park Ranger: “Ball rocks?”

    Girl: “BAL-rogs, from Lord Of The Rings?”

    Park Ranger: “Uh, not that I know of…”

    Won’t Let The Joke Run Its Course

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working the night shift, and my supervisor has asked me to shut most of the sliding doors and start getting ready to close, leaving me to empty the till while he goes to close another attraction. Our policy is not to turn away any customer unless we’ve started closing out the till. Three men, clearly a little drunk, come inside.)

    Guy #1: “Can we come in?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I’ve just started closing and I can’t sell any more tickets.”

    Guy #2: “We’ll be really quick.”

    Me: “Unfortunately I’ve already started closing out so I’m actually unable to sell you a ticket, and I can’t let you in for free.”

    Guy #1: “Well, what if I RAN PAST YOU?”

    (At this point he starts running past my booth, but I just give him a withering glare with one eyebrow raised, a look I’ve perfected for dealing with unruly men at work. He stops in his tracks and backs up slowly to the entrance.)

    Guy #1: *dejectedly* “I’m sorry.”

    Never Listened In Or Outside Church

    | London, England, UK | History, Tourists/Travel

    (I work as a tour guide on an open top bus tour around London. My job is to tell tourists about the history of the city, and the landmarks that we pass.)

    Me: “… and as we continue along Fleet Street we’ll see one of the great landmarks of London coming into view, the wonderful dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral. St. Paul’s Cathedral is our next stop. St. Paul’s Cathedral was built after the great fire of London of 1666. St. Paul’s Cathedral stands 365 feet from the ground to the tip of the golden cross at the top of the dome, one foot for every day of the year.”

    Lady On The Bus: “What’s this building here?”

    Me: *pointing at St. Paul’s Cathedral* “This one?”

    Lady On The Bus: “Yes.”

    Me: *sighing* “The Sealife Aquarium.”

    Lady On The Bus: “The Sealife Aquarium?”

    Me: *shrugging* “Yeah, why not?”

    Lady On The Bus: “Thank you.”

    (She writes ‘Sealife Aquarium’ carefully on the bus tour map, next to the little picture of ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL, underneath the words ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL that are printed next to it.)

    Me: “Pleasure. Welcome aboard those joining us here at St. Paul’s Cathedral…”

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