(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)
Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”
Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”
Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”
Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”
Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”
Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”
Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”
Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”
Customer: “You can’t?”
Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”
Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”
Me: *headdesk*
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Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”
Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”
Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”
Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”
Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”
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(I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)
Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”
Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”
Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”
Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”
Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”
Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*
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Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”
(To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)
Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”
Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”
Me: “You go through downtown.”
Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”
Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”
Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”
Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”
(The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)
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