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    A Nation Of Size Queens

    | Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)

    Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”

    Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”

    Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”

    Me: “Geography, I suppose.”

    Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”

    Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”

    Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”

    Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”

    Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”

    Me: “But… it’s in my country.”

    Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*

    Must Be From The Valley

    | Catalina Island, CA, USA |

    (Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

    Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

    Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”

    Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”

    Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”

    Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”

    Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

    Customer: “You can’t?”

    Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

    Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

    Me: *headdesk*

    Related:
    Must Be From Orange County

    Must Be From Orange County

    | Catalina Island, CA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “What time does the island close?”

    Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

    Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

    Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

    Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

    Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

    Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

    Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    Bird Brained, Part 2

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

    Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

    Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

    Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

    Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

    Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

    Related:
    Bird Brained

    Coworkers: They Make Life Worth Living

    | Newfoundland, Canada |

    Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”

    (To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)

    Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”

    Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”

    Me: “You go through downtown.”

    Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”

    Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”

    Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”

    Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”

    (The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)


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