Tour Guide | Waterford, Ireland
(I’m a tour guide at a crystal factory, and have just ended a speech about how crystal is made.)
Tourist #1: “If I keep some liquor in my crystal decanter will I get lead poisoning?”
Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. It would take well over 100 years before any of the lead in the crystal would permeate into the liquid.”
Tourist #2: “Hey, if I eat the crystal, will I die from lead poisoning?”
Tour Guide | Norway
(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)
Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”
Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”
Me: “Er…the sun?”
Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”
Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”
Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*
Information Booth | Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada
(I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)
Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”
Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”
Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”
Me: “Geography, I suppose.”
Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”
Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”
Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”
Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”
Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”
Me: “But… it’s in my country.”
Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*
Tour Guide | Catalina Island, CA, USA
(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)
Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”
Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”
Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”
Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”
Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”
Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”
Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”
Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”
Customer: “You can’t?”
Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”
Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”
Me: *headdesk*
Related:
Must Be From Orange County
Tourist Information | Catalina Island, CA
Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”
Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”
Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”
Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”
Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”
Tour Guide | Santa Cruz, CA, USA
(I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)
Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”
Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”
Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”
Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”
Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”
Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*
Related:
Bird Brained
Tour Guide | Newfoundland, Canada
Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”
(To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)
Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”
Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”
Me: “You go through downtown.”
Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”
Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”
Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”
Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”
(The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)