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    Making A Moat Point

    | England, UK | Extra Stupid, History, Tourists/Travel

    (I am a tour guide at a medieval castle. The moat to this particular castle was filled by diverting a channel of the river that runs directly past. We’re standing beside a large model of how the entire area looked in 1754 AD.)

    Tourist: “So, ma’am, how did they fill the moat?”

    Me: “Well as you can see here, a channel was dug to divert the water into the man-made moat.”

    Tourist: “So, how did they FILL the moat?”

    Me: “Um… With water from the river, flowing into the ditch. The ground could get pretty waterlogged but that worked as extra defense in times of siege.”

    Tourist: “Yes, but how did they get the water from the river INTO the moat?”

    Me: “Er… They used a bucket chain?”

    Tourist: “Ahh, I see. Thanks!”

    From Sea To Shining Sea

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Geography

    (I’m in the middle of sharing interesting facts about Seattle to a group of 20. Unfortunately, one tourist has been talking on the phone the entire time, making it hard for others to hear me.)

    Me: “Now, back when the Space Needle was built, it was the tallest building west of the Mississippi River and it—”

    Tourist: “Wait, which of these rivers is the Mississippi?”

    Me: “Well, that’s the Puget sound to your right. The two other large bodies of water you can see are Lake Union and Lake Washington—”

    Tourist: “So, where’s the river?”

    Me: “You mean the Mississippi River?”

    Customer: “Well, duh.”

    Me: “I guess about 1600 miles east of here.”

    Customer: “So, you can’t see it, then?”

    Me: “Not from here, no.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    When You’re This Stupid You Have Nothing Toulouse

    | London, UK |

    Customer: “I need to change my currency before I get on the train to Paris.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. There is a Bureau De Change just over there where you can purchase your Euros.”

    Customer: “What? I already have Euros. I need to get some Francs.”

    Me: “Sir, they only accept Euros in France now. You will not need Francs.”

    Customer: “OK whatever. Next question: how do I get to France from Paris?”

    Not So Sharp

    | Waterford, Ireland |

    (I’m a tour guide at a crystal factory, and have just ended a speech about how crystal is made.)

    Tourist #1: “If I keep some liquor in my crystal decanter will I get lead poisoning?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. It would take well over 100 years before any of the lead in the crystal would permeate into the liquid.”

    Tourist #2: “Hey, if I eat the crystal, will I die from lead poisoning?”

    Double Your Solar, Double Your Fun

    | Norway | Top

    (I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)

    Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”

    Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”

    Me: “Er…the sun?”

    Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”

    Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”

    Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*


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