(I’m in the middle of sharing interesting facts about Seattle to a group of 20. Unfortunately, one tourist has been talking on the phone the entire time, making it hard for others to hear me.)
Me: “Now, back when the Space Needle was built, it was the tallest building west of the Mississippi River and it—”
Tourist: “Wait, which of these rivers is the Mississippi?”
Me: “Well, that’s the Puget sound to your right. The two other large bodies of water you can see are Lake Union and Lake Washington—”
Tourist: “So, where’s the river?”
Me: “You mean the Mississippi River?”
Customer: “Well, duh.”
Me: “I guess about 1600 miles east of here.”
Customer: “So, you can’t see it, then?”
Me: “Not from here, no.”
Customer: “Oh.”
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Customer: “I need to change my currency before I get on the train to Paris.”
Me: “Okay, sir. There is a Bureau De Change just over there where you can purchase your Euros.”
Customer: “What? I already have Euros. I need to get some Francs.”
Me: “Sir, they only accept Euros in France now. You will not need Francs.”
Customer: “OK whatever. Next question: how do I get to France from Paris?”
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(I’m a tour guide at a crystal factory, and have just ended a speech about how crystal is made.)
Tourist #1: “If I keep some liquor in my crystal decanter will I get lead poisoning?”
Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. It would take well over 100 years before any of the lead in the crystal would permeate into the liquid.”
Tourist #2: “Hey, if I eat the crystal, will I die from lead poisoning?”
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(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)
Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”
Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”
Me: “Er…the sun?”
Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”
Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”
Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*
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(I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)
Tourist: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the falls from here?”
Me: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls. ”
Tourist: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”
Me: “Geography, I suppose.”
Tourist: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”
Me: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”
Tourist: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”
Me: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”
Tourist: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”
Me: “But… it’s in my country.”
Tourist: “Well, we’ll just see about that!” *storms off*
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(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)
Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”
Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”
Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”
Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”
Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”
Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”
Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”
Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”
Customer: “You can’t?”
Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”
Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”
Me: *headdesk*
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Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”
Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”
Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”
Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”
Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”
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(I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)
Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”
Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”
Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”
Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”
Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”
Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*
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